It’s your wedding day! Congratulations. Uncle Bob is drunk and dancing with his pants around his ankles, the Best Man forgot the wedding ring, and your husband-to-be has turned up hungover and with a massive black eye after starting a fight with your mother.
But at least there’s the food to look forward to! And in your £20,000 wedding dress – splattered with vomit from the gob of your uncle – you’re awaiting the wedding cake in all its glory. The catering staff wheel it on out and, to your delight/horror it’s a…
Vinegar Wedding Cake
As an aqueous solution of acetic acid, vinegar is exactly the type of food one thinks of when one contemplates marriage. The two go together in the same way headbutting someone requires a head and a butt – perfect unison.
But what is the vinegar wedding cake? Well, it’s a cake with the central ingredient of vinegar. Only a chef with a big freezer can handle this one, for it requires at least 10 litres of vinegar – and you’re going to need to freeze that stuff fast.
As such, the chef must work in sub-zero temperatures. The vinegar is frozen into solid blocks of vinegar ice and, with a chainsaw, sliced and diced into an appealing wedding day cake (such as a giant penis, if your bridge and groom are of a puerile nature).
It’s then kept in the freezer (otherwise it’d melt and be useless) until wedding day. After this, it’s rolled out on the wedding day for guests and marriage-people to gawp at in awe (and occasionally disgust).
Unfortunately, our wonderful new recipe has largely met with total horror at the half dozen weddings we trial ran it at.
What can we say? Some people just don’t know a good thing when they see it. Here are some of the reactions we documented for posterity:
- Puke: 17 recorded instances of wedding guests liberally vomiting (not due to intoxication) upon sight and stench of the cake.
- Verbal abuse: 22 guests took to name calling and jeering at the Professional Moron staff for inventing this recipe: “Are you people senile?!” was our favourite.
- Physical abuse: One particularly outraged father-in-law came at us with an empty bottle of champagne threating to “do us” all in. We tipped a bucket of vinegar over him and he calmed down.
- Rapture: One drunken uncle was positively thrilled and ate all of the cake for himself. He promptly had a vinegar overdose and was rushed to hospital to have his stomach pumped.
- Jail: One family was so upset they had us arrested, which is where we’re currently writing this blog post from. Great to see convicts get some excellent perks for prison time these days!
Well, if people don’t like it as cake, you can market it in smaller slabs as Vinegar Popsicles. Non?
What about vinegar hats? That’d work.
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Wouldn’t that just look like wet hair and stink like an old chip shop?
Yes, but that be the point, madam! Don’t you think it’s about time that stink was fashionable?
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Hmm, if everything smelled like stinky vinegar I could get a cute pet skunk. Hmm…