Exclusive Invention: The ProTractor (a tractor with a protractor attached)

Tractor in action on a field
Another bloody farmer bloody well lost.

The tractor is a device used to transport farmers around the countryside. But you never see tractors in the city.

No farmers live in an urban environment because they’re always lost – you’ll see them aimlessly driving around fields in a panic.

In desperation, they spray excrement everywhere as they’re so deeply lost in a wave of perpetual anxiety, terrified due to never being able to find civilization. Thankfully, we’re here to help those poor bastards!

The ProTractor

As a measuring instrument, the protractor knows everything about angles. And if you know which degree you’re heading in, then you’ve got a much better chance of finding some sort of population.

That’s why our latest invention is the ProTractor. It’s a tractor with a giant protractor welded onto the front.

The idea is, thanks to its directional input, it’ll help hopelessly lost farmers find urban environments and join the real world. The knock-on effect is they’ll no longer have to deliriously spray shit everywhere in a state of manic consternation.

Indeed, the protractor element will act as a fundamental form of GPS – the farmers, previously so desperate in their lack of direction, will trundle on into a city/town environment and be immediately rescued by kind do-gooders, sent to a hospital, and hooked up to life support.

As such, if you know anyone with directional issues then you should buy them one of these. Any hysterical farmers can also order them online from us for FREE delivery! The cost of the contraption is but a mere £100,000.

But our goal isn’t making money. We’re here to help local communities by funelling neglected farming hands back into the real world.

Once there, this is how they can rehabilitate themselves into society.

Farmerula 1

Farmers are great at driving things like tractors and combine harvesters, so our plan is to direct them all into a new form of motorsport: Farmerula 1.

In this, there’ll be a bunch of teams and drivers assigned to blasting tractors around exciting race tracks such as Monaco, Monza, Magny Cours, and anything else that starts with an M.

Truly, you’ve not seen magnificence until you’ve watched a farmer guide a tractor through Ste Devote on the streets of Monaco at 15mph. It is a sight of genuine awe inducingness.

We’re in talks with Sky at the moment for official television coverage. We truly believe the fast-paced, exhilarating action of tractors banging wheels at 20mph is a match for anything else on TV.

Helping us along is The Wurzels, whose hit single I’ve Got A Brand New Combine Harvester will be the opening track for the show.

It’ll be presented by Arnold Schwarzenegger and we’re hoping to get celebrity guests such as Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis to up the macho factor. We want Farmerula 1 to be proper macho, but we’re also going to have a feminine sensibility.

So don’t worry, there will be no grid girls! In their place we’ll have the likes of cows, sheep, and ducks. They’re free to come and go as they please, of course, so don’t expect any of them to stand still for too long.

Fans paying to attend the races are also allowed to take home a bucket of free muck for their compost heaps.


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