Exclusive Recipe: Cement Bread (It’s awful and we know it)

Cement bread.

This week, we’re in a mood that doesn’t lend itself well to creating good things. But then why does everything have to be amazeballs these days? Look at Facebook. It’s crap and yet it’s done super well.

As such, we’ve created cement bread. It’s bread that’s made out of cement. It doesn’t taste nice, nor is it meant to. It’s just there to cause your stupid face some problems.

Cement Bread as a Tasty Sandwich Maker

Okay, this is pretty standard stuff, people. It’s cement bread. You bake the bread, but the main ingredient is cement.

Nothing fancy—no bells and whistles on at the end. Just cement bread.

Perhaps you’re a restaurant looking to drive away customers. Or a dinner party aficionado hoping to dismay your guests to the extent no one will turn up anymore (and you can have some peace and quiet).

Whatever, with cement bread you’re sure to disgust absolutely anyone who comes within 1 foot of the stuff. It’s vile.

But rest assured, the business we’ve setup for this foodstuff (Professional Moron Cement Bread Baking International Enterprises Limited) is committed to ensuring customer quality.

So committed, our office apprentice lost his mind and was committed to an insane asylum.

Although that’s maybe because he spent an entire month (as our test specimen) eating nothing but cement bread. Enough to make anyone lose their brains.

Reasons to Eat Cement Bread

Why should you eat this horrible product? Breadcause (because) of the flouring (following) ryeasons (reasons), you muffin!

  • You’re too stupid to buy normal bread.
  • You really like the taste of cement.
  • You really dislike the taste of normal bread.
  • Clogging your intestines with cement sounds like great fun.
  • You do whatever Professional Moron tells you to do.
  • You need a digestible murder weapon.
  • It’s not for lunch, you want to build a new house out of it.
  • Got be better than a white loaf, are we right!?

Cement Bread’s Delivery Options

Do note, if you decide to buy cement bread from us in bulk, due to their concrete-like weight we’ll have to deliver the loaves via bulldozer.

As we don’t own one of those, you’ll have to buy us one before we can complete your delivery. We just checked eBay and found a second hand contraption for £12,250 ($16,000).

The good news is the cement bread only costs £3 ($5). But with the cost of the bulldozer on top, you’re looking at a slightly more expensive transaction.

Also, we don’t know how to drive it so you’ll need to fund our driving lessons – they’re £100 an hour. We feel we’ll need 20 hours or so worth to feel confident blasting down motorways on one of those things.

But after six months of training, we should be ready to deliver your cement bread. And it’ll be breadilliant (brilliant). Truly superbread (superb).

NB: After endless questions from customers, we state clearly: No, you’re not allowed to come to our property to collect. Ever. Anyone attempting otherwise will be shot at with a bazooka. 


  1. True, I always look to Professional Moron for new products and tips. Yet, cement bread is a product whose time has not come. Perhaps you could segue with … say… plaster of paris?


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