After three years of mindless, Brexit-infatuated, obstinacy-driven inefficiency (and after intense pressure from the Tory party to quit), Theresa May today announced her resignation.
And she had a good old cry about the loss of her job. Shame she couldn’t shed a tear for the 120,000 or so alleged deaths attributed to the Tory’s austerity measures.
Or the Tory-driven humiliation of the disabled. Or her party’s stance on denying explosive levels of unprecedented child poverty. Or the homelessness crisis.
May is leaving office on 7th June. The Tories will draft in another incompetent, oppressive idiot by July. Oh dear, do we come across as cynical? A decade of staggering governmental incompetence does that to you.
Despite popular claims she’s the worst Prime Minister since our last one, David Cameron, she actually did a fantastic job. But The Guardian’s Owen Jones (a despicable socialist heathen enemy of the state!) confirms:
"It’s not just Brexit, for we must judge a prime minister by her own promises. When she fatefully assumed the premiership, she declared war on the 'burning injustices' which she correctly identified had paved the road to Brexit. And then in the subsequent three years she oversaw the biggest jump in child poverty for three decades; a housing crisis which has only worsened; the rollout of a universal credit system which is a life-destroying disaster. The Grenfell Fire will endure as a reminder of a social order built by Toryism which prioritises money over human life. The Windrush scandal – in which British citizens were denied medical care, kicked out of their homes and even deported from their own country – will remain a salutary lesson of where the migrant-baiting May promoted leads. The surge in violent crime will always testify to the disastrous consequences of the austerity May herself championed."
All Hail Our New Overlord!
The bad news is another Tory will head into No. 10 Downing Street, a political party on Wednesday exposed by the United Nations for many human rights breaches during a disastrous nine-year tenure.
Attention will now turn to who’ll claim the Presidency of England, also known as the Prime Minister of the Queen. Here’s our expert analysis on who’ll get the job.
Although mop-haired bouncy sort Boris Johnson is favourite, there are other candidates. We believe these to be the following:
- John Bercow: For the love of order, yes! Can you imagine it? Order! Order! Order!
- Brad Pitt: Why not? He can put his acting chops to good use as a politician.
- Larry the Cat: Yes. Make it happen.
Seems Theresa didn’t want to share her moment…pic.twitter.com/ExWgsShwbO
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 24, 2019
- Harumafuji Kōhei: A sumo wrestler from Japan. The 35 year old would certainly put his weight behind flattening Brexit opposition.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: He’s had a go in America, so why not Europe, eh?
- Jiro Ono: 93 year old genius sushi chef. If his policies don’t make the cut, at least his menu will!
- Kirk Douglas: 102 year old Hollywood legend. But it’s never too late to start in politics.
- Robin Hood (aka Kevin Costner): Steals from the rich and gives to the poor. By God, do we need someone like that right now!
- Mr. Wapojif: Esteemed editor of Professional Moron. Dribbling halfwit with a clear-cut case of megalomania and madness.
Although we wish all candidates the best of luck, we’re convinced we’re the ones who can build an adequate future for England.
The Professional Moron Political Party
Mr. Wapojif doesn’t enjoy traditional political stances. As such, he created a new ideology – in acronym form, it’s HORRIFIC INJURY. He explains:
"HORRIFIC INJURY is what will guide the United Kingdom into a new era of solidarity. It represents our manifesto and offers a foundation for society never before seen nor heard of. Handbags: Everybody deserves one to carry their stuff around in. Odour: The streets must be free from stench and decay! Rats: These are fine, though, we like them. The more rats the better. Rodents: The same goes for the likes of hamsters and squirrels. The more rodents the better! Igloos: Solving the housing crisis is as simple as introducing igloos. Where residents lack snow, they can use mud. Feck: Our party's obscenity of choice. Use it liberally to display your support for us. Incidents: When we're in charge, you can expect many of these! Cabbage: More of it for everyone. Injuries: The NHS will receive £700 million a week in extra financing in the event of stubbed toes etc. Neanderthals: It doesn't matter how stupid you are, you're welcome to England!
Mr. Wapojif then lost interest and didn’t complete the rest of his manifesto. It’s sunny outside, so he began frolicking gaily in the street for several hours, eventually returning with a bad case of sunburn.
We did manage to corner him on several key points, however. Here are his responses.
- Brexit: “What’s that?”
- The European Union: “Is that a heavy metal band?”
- Taxes: “No, I don’t use taxis, public transport is cheaper.”
- Pensions: “Old people? What about them?”
- The poverty crisis: “If you’re poor you should work harder!”
- Business: “We have toilets for that.”
Truly, he is a man of the people.