Agony Aunt: “Our marriage is over competitive & it’s dangerous!”

A female runner smiling like crazy
“Haha, yes! I defeated my worthless and inferior human male husband. Mwhaahaha!”

Sometimes a married couple can get competitive about their day-to-day lives. It’s as if one of them has to prove they’re the best, because sad and arrogant sorts are kind of like that.

But… that can get dangerous. Really dangerous. Take today’s married couple, who are on the verge of hideous agony due to their competitive ways.

Competitive Married People

I'll get straight to the point. Me and my husband Bobby are way too competitive about everything. 

Like take this morning, I drink a pint of water to freshen up. Bobby then drank two. Disgusted by his machismo bravado, I drank another two. This pattern went on until he'd had 45 pints and I'd had 43. We spent the next three hours urinating relentlessly. It was awful!

But this competitive streak is in everything. I mean, we go for a run and neither of us stop until we're both collapsed on the floor through exhaustion. 

We go sunbathing, and it's whoever ends up with the worst life threatening sunburn and heatstroke. 

Out on a meal, it's whoever can eat the most from an all you can eat restaurant. To the point Bobby once ruptured his spleen and was left screaming in agony. I thought it was hilarious. A crowning victory for me.

But I don't think this is healthy marriage behaviour. We should be calling each other "snuggums" and spooning on the couch, not betting £500 on who can drink the most bottles of wine in half an hour.

What should we do? Thank you, Mary.

Hi, Mary. It’s natural for couples to feel some sort of competition, but if it’s putting your health and life in danger than you may want to ask yourself: “Is it worth dying hideously for this man?”

In most cases the answer is a resounding, “No!” But we guess it depends on how good looking and rich he is, because if he’s the first one to die hideously then you get all his money.

But if death isn’t an intended outcome for either of you, then there are uncompetitive things you can do. This will, essentially, wean you out of your overly ambitious ways.

Uncompetitive Activities

The more sedate the activity, the less likely you’re feel inclined to risk your life for it. Below are some suggestions that we’ve suggested (as we’re in a suggestable mood):

  • Spooning: It seems you want to do more of that. And, rest assured, there’s no International Spooning World Championships where couples spoon it off to find the ultimate spooner. It’s just a chance to get a kip and watch some TV.
  • Walking: Although walking is a competitive sport, if you hobble each other before setting off it will reduce urges  to compete. We suggest whacking your kneecaps and ankles with hammers before setting off, thusly ensuring you’ll be in too much chronic anguish to want to win anything.
  • Talking: Have you tried having a conversation with your husband recently? Just sit down at a table and have a discussion about, for example, aardvarks, social and economic collapse, or the possibility of World War III.
  • Arguing: Really, why can’t you just do what normal couples do and scream at each other? A fulfilling relationship is only fulfilled when you can no longer stand the sight of each other.
  • Gargling mouthwash: Want minty fresh breath? Get some mouthwash and gargle your way to a better marriage. Friends and neighbours may baulk over how you’re going through 70 litres of the stuff a month, but tell them to mind their own damn business.

Finally, you can also hire someone to jam a cattle prod into your, respective, sides should you endeavour to turn it all into a big old competition. Good luck to you and Bobby, Mary!


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