Greetings and welcome to another edition of Haiku Friday. After the success of the last two, we may turn this into a regular feature. But that’s up to us, so don’t put any undue pressure on us, yeah?
Anyway, it’s a (largely) foodie special this week. With a few other casual asides. Enjoy it. And remember – if you criticise our poetic efforts, we’ll write a goddamn 77 stanza retort. Plus, force you to read it at gunpoint!
Classic Adaptation
Roses are red.
Violence is blue.
Why the bloody hell am I covered in poo?
∞
Sandwiches
Chop up the bread.
Insert the ingredients.
Choke to death on tomato.
∞
Instant Noodles
Oodles of noodles in a pot.
They will make your gut rot.
Should have eaten some apricot.
∞
Porridge
Need to build a bridge?
Then go and eat some porridge.
Although it won’t help if a brick lands on your skull, killing you instantly.
∞
Full English Breakfast
Do you want to feel full?
Then you should hang out with a bull.
It will eviscerate you.
∞
Mayonnaise
What the hell is this stuff?
It reminds me of Nazi Germany.
I do not know why I make that correlation.
∞
Food Poisoning
Do you like to poo?
Then you should always forget to chew.
Raw meat you’ve pulled from someone’s loo.
∞
Roast Dinners
Five hours of baking away.
What a bloody waste of my day.
Everyone has finished after 30 minutes.
∞
All You Can Eat
Do you want to vomit?
Then turn off Wallace and Gromit.
And rush to your local cafe like a comet.
∞
Spinach
I blame my chronic armpit itch.
On my unbridled love for cooked spinach.
Popeye is a lying SOB.
∞
Pie
Do you want to cook some pie?
Then you must prepare to die.
Or at least lose one eye (due to a stroke).
∞
Chewing
Chew today.
Chew tomorrow.
My teeth dropped out.
∞
Elementary Mathematics
I ain’t so good at math.
Because I spend too much time in the bath.
I really need a new career path.
I think the second line of the instant noodles one could also have been “The salt will erode your gut”.
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How dare you suggest improvements to our masterpieces! Who do you think you are!?
But, yes, I see your point.
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A charming provocateur. That was easy, next question.
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Le sniff! You are brilliant. Haiku has never been so poo oriented! Genius!
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It’s my specific type of genius I have dubbed: stupid intelligence. It works for me.
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