How to Perform Drug Testing at Work

Drug testing test tubes
Far out, man.

Employees are useless and inferior things. Whilst the proper people are off running businesses and getting rich like the superior beings they are, members of staff frolic about with wild abandon – drunk, stoned, and high on heroin.

As such, it’s important your business instigate a drug testing policy, whilst simultaneously enforcing a poverty wage policy to ensure your barely employable vagabonds can’t even afford a beer come Friday night.

How to Tell if an Employee is on Drugs

First of all, how do you spot an employee who is, for instance, tripping on a snowball of cocaine, LSD, and moonshine? Typical signs and symptoms include:

  • Rambling and incoherent speech.
  • Frothing at the mouth (this could also be rabies – check if you have any rabid bats on the loose).
  • Physically assaulting anyone they happen upon.
  • Exclaiming “Far out, man!” whilst attempting to copulate with their chair.
  • Yodelling.
  • Severe shaking and sweat pouring off them like a waterfall.
  • Collapsing in a heap on the floor.
  • Noticeable drops in productivity.

Enforce a Drug Testing Official to monitor such antics. Provide them with a baton and tazer to enforce your policies with violence and vigour.

Your Anti-Drug Taking Policy

Within your employment contracts, state clearly what you expect of employee conduct. Below you can find a template for your policy you can adapt for your business’ requirements.

"It is essential employees conduct their daily activities in a sound state of mind. If anyone, absolutely anyone, arrives stinking of cheap meth or liquour and attempts to partake in their duties, they will be shot with a bazooka. For any tripping hippies reading this thinking that sounds like an amazing experience, rest assured your entrails splattered across the company property deems your employment contract as terminated. Good luck getting work again in the future, you wastrels."

Remember to include the fundamental elements of the above within your company handbook.

Additionally, acquire a large amount of industry-leading bazookas to store around your property. They’re sure to come in handy, not least if there’s an arbitrary alien invasion.

Remember, your staff members are subhuman scum. They’re not bright enough to run a business. And all dumb people turn to hardcore drugs – don’t let their inefficiencies drag you down.

Applying Drug Testing at Work

First off, you’ll need a training day to demonstrate why being out of it is bad for business.

Set aside an afternoon – preferably a Friday – and during a company-wide meeting hand out quantities of illegal drugs such as weed, heroin, semtex, cocaine, LSD, ether, and margarine. You should also pass around bottles of vodka and gin with various mixers.

Over the period of 30 minutes (expediency is key on this issue), encourage everybody to get totally wasted. Once the time has elapsed, order your staff to return to work.

At this point, you may notice insubordinate behaviour such as jeering, leering, unconsciousness, and vomiting. Some employees may also begin overdosing, which you should remind them is an act of gross misconduct.

Once everyone has recovered in time for Monday morning, immediately apply drug testing procedures – you’ll find, following the Friday training, you’ll have an assortment of new addicts to curb after their recent exposure to class A narcotics. Perfect timing for arbitrary drug tests.

Before anyone can enter the building, order everybody to line-up for blood, urine, and lie tests. Your bazooka policy will come in handy at this time.

Employee Assistant Programmes

As you’ve been doomed to a workforce of drug addicted halfwits, you should establish an EAP policy to help them all recover.

Remember – employees are dumb. You are intelligent. Some would suggest starting a business is for the privileged and lucky, but that’s nonsense.

The vast majority of people can only function by staring mindlessly into the middle-distance.

Your EAP will ensure they’re able to, at the very least, ensure they don’t die hideously on your property. That would lead to a very nasty employment tribunal.

2 comments

  1. I’ve been wondering about setting up a business in which employees not only get tested for drugs every 3 minutes, but also have to pay for the privilege of being employed. If anybody objects, why, I’ll just shrug. I’m sure I am not the first to think of it, though, especially since the 1980s (and also the 1780s, at least until 1848 when workers across Europe rose up and revolted, but let’s not go there…)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I fully support your endeavour. It is a PRIVILEGE for employees to work for a business. Without genius business owners – as only a select few have the total brilliance to begin one – the inferior people would be homeless and destitute. We really owe everything to big business capitalism.

      Like

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