July 2, 2019Mr. Wapojif

Agony Aunt: “HELP! My man brings his mates to our ‘romantic’ dates!”

Men exchanging a beer during a sunset.
“Look at that beautiful sunset, darling. *Beellcchh* Chuck us another beer, Dave!”

When you’re a couple, you’ll likely go on romantic dates to do romantic things such as romance. Typical activities include dining out, golf, a nose picking competition, or raging arguments.

Men aren’t always the best at romance, unfortunately, as today’s human female has discovered. Luckily, as romantic men *vile coughing fit and retching*, we’re here to help.

Your Mates VS Your Bird

Hi, PM. Okay, I'm in an INFURIATING rut with my boyfriend right now. We've been dating for 12 months, but whenever we have date nights he has a habit of bringing his best mates along: Dave, Kev, Bev, Bozzer, and Mozzer. 

They're all very annoying. My boyfriend can be very sweet, but when he's with his mates... it's like he's a different man. 

Last week, for example, we went to a restaurant for a nice meal and they all turned up within 10 minutes of our arrival. My boyfriend had just finished telling me I look nice when in walked Bozzer and Mozzer, half drunk, and they roared, "Wahey!" and promptly bought five pints. Within two hours they were all steaming drunk and competing in a belching contest. Much to the disgust of the other restaurant-goers. 

I was so embarrassed I confronted him about this last night and he told me, "Don't make me choose between me mates and me bird, love." And then he walked off. 

This keeps happening. Even when we went on holiday to Paris last year, "the lads" were all there ready to rave. Taking in the sunset on the Champs-Élysées whilst Bozzer "cadges a cheeky piss" down a side-alley, in full view of perturbed Parisians, is not my idea of romance. And my boyfriend and his mates cheered him on enthusiastically and proclaimed it a great victory for the Brits over "the frogs". 

What should I do? Yours, Margery

Hi Margarine. This does sound somewhat unfortunate, your boyfriend appears to relish his relationship with you. But he’s clearly unwilling to let go of 1990s-based laddism.

In short, you’re dating a man baby who can quote you beautiful haikus in one instant, yet have his arse hanging out the next mooning someone.

Ask yourself this: “If a tree falls over in a forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?” Oh, hang on. That’s the wrong bit of advice. Well, ask yourself that anyway to take your mind off the belching contests.

The Ultimatum

Some human males are more mature than others. The grown up man bloke will understand there’s a time and place for getting smashed out of his mind – and that’s definitely not when trying to be romantic.

Ultimately, we suggest you offer your boyfriend the ultimate ultimatum. Tell him to change his ways, or you’ll find yourself a real man (as opposed to a robotic one).

If he suggests he wishes you were more of a “ladette” then you could give that a try for a while. Switch to lager, wear a football shirt, and bellow stuff instead of speaking normally. You may find you connect with his mates to a greater degree when you’re totally wasted.

However, if this isn’t the route you wish to take then you may have to simply dump him in favour of a man who likes puzzles, is in bed by 9pm in his pyjamas, and buys you flowers.

Just remember that even the most romantic human male isn’t pefect. He can lay you a bed of roses each and every day, yet he still has the capacity to clog the toilet at any moment.

As such, you should offer some leeway and diminish you expectations to some extent.

32 comments

  2. First off, you failed to mention ear cleaning contests… you know, to see who can get the most guck on their Q tip.
    Second…. why is the boat leaving without Holly?
    Third, why wasn’t I invited onto this whole boat thing?

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Dispense with some gibberish!

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