When you hire someone on a poverty wage and can’t understand why they’re so negative and stressed about it, the best course of action is to fire them immediately.
But sacking an employee can be awkward and embarrassing for your business. The employee may burst into tears or, more frustratingly, threaten to sue you.
Worst-case scenario, due to being inferior beings with low intellects, they could go on a psychotic rampage with their fists. Who knows what untold damage and added expenses an outraged, soon-to-be-former-employee may cause?
So, it’s important to fire good and fire properly. Here’s how to do that!
The Art of Sacking
It’s important to remember, as a business owner, you’re so much more superior and important to the pathetic wastrels on lower wages surrounding you.
You are a success. They are vile poor people too stupid to achieve what you have.
Here at Professional Moron, as an example, we maintain an office apprentice (until he/she inevitably succumbs to some injury or mental collapse—or a sacking).
Our current one, Office Apprentice #12, earns £8,000 p/a and should feel bloody privileged to do so!
But if, say, he starts coming into work covered in excrement, whilst clearly under the influence of chronic fatigue, that represents a problem for our quantitative and qualitative overhead extrapolations.
In other words we start to think, “Cripes! Our ill-conceived standards of perfectionism don’t align with the atrocious wage we’ve decided to hand to this individual in favour of padding out our earnings. Better get rid of him!”
And that’s when we hold a 1-1 with the individual. Calmly and professionally, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, will then roar obscenities and point at an old Excel graph he printed off in March of 2013.
He also revs a chainsaw and begins swinging it wildly around his head. We then hand the apprentice a written statement that states, verbatim:
Dear Office Apprentice #12, Due to continuous poor performance and comments such as, “I’m really happy it’s the weekend tomorrow!”, we feel we can’t tolerate such disgraceful displays of insubordination any longer. You are hereby fired with immediate effect for being a fuddy duddy. You can appeal this decision, but we’ll come after you with a shotgun if you do. Now… get out of our sight!!! Regards, The Professional Moron team
As you’ll note, this is firm but fair. It indicates the pathetic underling is inadequate in supporting the holy brilliance of your exceptional business.
In turn, this means they’re unfit to grace a 10 mile radius around you. Apply to a court of law upon their leaving your business to request a restraining order.
Key Sacking Tips
Again, and unfortunately, as employees are inferior they’re prone to a lack of emotional regulation.
As such, when they’re fired they’ll probably burst into tears. If they don’t, throw things at them until they do. Other important things to remember are:
- Have a supply of shotguns ready—you want the employee of your property ASAP.
- Your employee has likely stolen things from you during their tenure, so demand to strip search them immediately (have your shotgun handy should they refuse—you want those nicked pens back for your overhead).
- Have them pack out their desks in front of everyone else for maximum humiliation factor.
- Have someone armed with a shotgun trained on their every move before they leave, just in case they try anything funny.
- If they try to shake your hand, kick them up the arse as they leave through the front door.
- Remember to laugh at them if you see they’re homeless in the street a month later. Stupid poor people!
- Reassure your other employees that, yes, you’ll sack them immediately as well on the basis of some wildly inconsistent, self-absorbed tangent.
Ultimately, sacking your employees shouldn’t be unpleasant. Treat it as a joyous occasion where some useless individual is no longer a drain on your revenue – plus, you get to wield shotguns!