Right, more goddamn poetry for you goddamn idiots who read this goddamn blog. Oooh, autumn is pretty is it!? Shut the hell up!
Autumn
Autumn is here.
So it’s time to grab a beer.
And have a drink with some deer.
∞
Drunk on Autumn
Autumn’s hear.
Time to grab a deer.
And drink with some beer.
∞
Nice Leaves
I like to stare at the colour of leaves.
They make me think of my butler Jeeves.
He should probably see a doctor.
∞
Nice Trees
Gosh, the trees look so pretty.
I would like to sing a little ditty.
Once I’m no longer being attacked by this angry kitty.
∞
Nice Leaves Falling Off Trees
Wow, look at those leaves fall.
It reminds me of a great big waterfall.
Too bad I’ve got gout.
∞
Early Morning Frost
Pavements are frosty come autumnal airs.
It brings forth from humans many bad swears.
Upon slipping and falling on arse.
∞
New Clothes For Cold Weather
It’s disappointing I can no longer wear my mankini.
Nature sure can be a meanie.
And the cold weather shrivels up my weenie.
∞
Planning Ahead For Christmas Shopping
Because I am a thoughtless man bloke.
I am going to pretend I am broke.
And buy everyone I know a can of Coke.
∞
Old Shoes Leaking in Rain Water
Damn, I should buy a new pair of brogues.
My man feet smell like a rotting corpse.
I shall insert feet into bleach to remove stench.
∞
The Common Cold Returneth
In the office environment doth we go.
Snivelling and sneezing away in woe.
That’s the last time I help my colleague blow his nose.
∞
Sneezing
Sometimes when I need to sneeze.
I really start to wheeze.
And then I perform a striptease.
∞
Cough
Sometimes when I start to cough.
It feels like I am about to blastoff.
But then I just tend to nod off.
∞
Sunsets
Looking at the beautiful sky.
I cough up mucus everywhere.
And now I’ve sneezed all over my girlfriend’s head. Shit.
∞
Sunrises
Up it comes that bright yellow Sun.
Looking like a hot-crossed bun.
Or someone with jaundice running a marathon.
Professional Moron 
Ah, beautiful haiku. I had no idea you were so poetic! Keep up the good work.
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I are good with words, me.
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Indeed!
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Indeed this = 🖕
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😡
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I donut apologise. I simply lost myself in the moment.
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I’ve signed you up for anger management.
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Vegan burgers are the answer.
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A big fat juicy burger with cheese and tomato and pickles and mayo and lettuce, that’s the answer.
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With jam and whipped cream. And marmite. Plus Bovril. And a cherry on top. Deep fried with extra butter.
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Yummy. Pulling into the next drive through!
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For a second there I thought it said you were about to do a drive by. Behave, woman!
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Don’t be surprised if I drive by with a sack of stones. Maybe I’ll save those for Christmas.
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Donut be silly! For Christmas I expect a sack of baked beans from you. Cheers!
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That’s what you’ll get too But I’m not from Boston so they’ ll just be regular black beans with rice, this is Miami.
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BOSTON!? LOL! I’m from Manchester, mate, you think I’m scared of you!?!?!?
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MIAMI ! BE AFRAID.
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Yeah, no beach here. There’s Blackpool… but.. no. Avoid. That’s where John Mahoney (of Frasier fame) was from FYI.
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I just happen to know that . I loved John Mahoney, RIP.
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Yes, he was fantabulous. He looked like an All American type. But, nope! Blackpool, one of he most squalid, dire places in t’ Lancashire. Eeeeeee.
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I sort of thought he was from Ireland…Mahoney?
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I thought it was definitely American, “Where’s mah money!!!?” Goodfellas etc.
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Mahoney is very American because we have a zillion Irish here ! Cheers to them 🍀
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What about Brits? Are Brits welcome? That bloke at Philadelphia airport in March sure as hell wasn’t happy with me.
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Do you want me to speak to him about it?
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If you could give him a smack, that’d be great. I was all enthusiastic and then he freaked the hell out. Triggered my anxiety. Bastard!
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How rude of him. Most Americans are so nice! Please accept my apology on his behalf.
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u wot m8? Sent you an email. Thank you for a thoughtful message. I sent back one drenched in obscenities. Indeed.
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I can’t believe this email. And you…an editor! I laugh on that.
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Be aware that’s slander. Expect a lawsuit via carrier pigeon in… one week, by my estimate. TREMBLE IN FEAR!
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I will have moved by then, packing now.
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Moved to Skegness, I presume?
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Are you stalking me. I’ve barely arrived in Skegness, such a lovely town.
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In the early ‘90s Skegness was the place to be, madam!! Slides. Pools. Drunken locals!
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The good old days. I kind of like the name of this place.
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Yes, Skeggers is a glorious place. They have plastic slides and everything.
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Cheers too.
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wot?
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Love the Haiku “Nice Leaves Falling Off Trees”! Makes me think of that old song by that British duo, Tears and Fears …or so.. 🎵🎵Gout, gout – Let it all out – 🎶- This is an illness 🎵🎶 worth talking about..🎵
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Damn good song, that! Plus that excellent T. Rex hit – Gout It On. And The Beatles – Gout Back. I think that’s my next post anyone, although gout sufferers may be offended.
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Do you have any gout followers?
Will you cover “School’s Gout” by Alice Cooper?
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Erm… Henry VIII? Does he count? He had gout, but I don’t think he follows this blog.
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