Agony Aunt: “My husband is driving me insane by peeing into the middle of the toilet!”

A stick man urinating into a toilet
We like to tackle the big issues here at Professional Moron.

When you live with a man, you’ll notice his general stench and other bad habits start to take away from the romanticised notions of relationships.

Such as when the human male needs to alleviate himself first thing in the morning. And unleashes a waterfall into the central water bit. Beautiful.

Pee

Professional Moron! I know you're men, and you may well do this [Editor's note: WE DO NOT!], but my husband is a bastard son of a bitch!

Every morning, come rain or shine, he grunts, gets out of bed, grunts again, staggers into the bathroom, hacks his throat, gobs into the toilet, and then unleashes a tidal wave.

And it goes on. And on. And on. And on. Like there's 10 litres of the stuff in him, all the while it's sploshing into the water in the bowl making that dribbling noise and splashing the stuff over the toilet bowl and onto the bathroom tiles. 

When he finishes up he coughs, hacks his throat again, grunts, usually doesn't bother washing his hands, and returns to bed. 

This has been going on every morning for all the three years of our marriage and I'm beginning to think this was a horrendous mistake! 

Or is it me just being silly? Is it common for women to divorce their husbands due to their bodily function habits? But it's really driving me crazy!! Each morning around 7am I know it's on the way.

I've confronted him about it one time when I was tipsy, and he was wasted on beer, and he waved it off going, "Whatever, doll, I'm all man!" And then he belched in this really loud and gross way and went, "See!" And he laughed really loud. 

"Why did I marry this man!?" That's what I ask myself as I lie in bed listening to his performance each morning. 

Yesterday I asked him if he'd consider sitting down on the toilet to do this, but he waved off the suggestion and said, "I'll do that if you stand up and do yours, babe!" And he laughed really loud, before entering a horrible, retching coughing fit. 

He doesn't work at the moment either, he just sits on the sofa eating crisps and says my wage as a shop assistant will be enough to support his lifestyle. Have I married a loser? At 35 I feel I've made a terrible mistake! Yours, Tina

Hi, Tina! It sounds like you’ve landed a dickhead, unfortunately, although you really need to take some of the blame given his atrocious behaviour you’ve highlighted.

What the hell were you thinking marrying such a sad act?!

Whilst, in most instances, divorce doesn’t come about due to complications with urination, this sounds pretty disgusting and warrants it. In our opinion.

Men and Toilets

To help you understand the issue, let’s explore the relationship your average man has with an average toilet.

It’s his shrine. Wherever it is, at work or home, it’s an area where he can dominate proceedings by doing disgusting man bloke things.

The trick is to ensure the human male understand he’s sharing space with other human beings. As such, consider sticking rigid plastic, self adhesive vinyl, photoluminescent, and/or brushed aluminum material toilet signs around your bathroom.

Buy many of them. Say, 50. And nail them in and around your bathroom.

If he ignores them then you know you’re in trouble. You can prep your divorce lawyer, or you can have one last ditch effort of saving that relationship.

Online Toilet Courses

You can make your husband take an online course. This’ll help him understand his responsibilities, as well as encouraging a less androcentric point of view.

We recommend: PMUK Level Two Certificate in Understanding Toilet Usage in Contemporary Society.

It’s an official Professional Moron degree that costs £3,000 for five one hour sessions. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, fronts the seminars. 

His tactics of emotional blackmail, blatant intimidation, and juvenile ridicule are highly effective in forcing man babies to up their lifestyle game.

Or, you know, you can just divorce the gross SOB and move on with your life.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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