15 Hit Singles Ruined By Adding “Male Pattern Balding” Into the Title

Balding man singing hit singles
Indeed, sir.

Musicians usually have hair. This is an insult to the balding sect of men in the world. And we demand a revision of history to suit our needs!

You can also read our guide to going bald. Or just jam along to these funky little numbers.

Stairway to Male Pattern Balding

Bald man with glasses

Led Zeppelin’s smash hit number. Note John Bonham and his drumming. Note the balding, too!

You Male Pattern Balding Thing

Spyhnx bald cat

Hot Chocolate classic that Robert Carlyle went on to make popular again with The Full Monty. Indeed.

We Are Male Pattern Balding

Bald man with glasses

Familial male pattern balding? Indeed. It’s a thing.

I Will Always Love Male Pattern Balding

Spyhnx bald cat

Whitney Houston number about why she didn’t mind bald guys. That’s great to know, madam!

All I Want For Christmas Is Male Pattern Balding

Bald man with glasses

Mariah Carey’s odd smash hit has a weird quality to it. Does she want male pattern balding? Wouldn’t that be woman pattern balding? Sort it out, Carey!

(Everything I Do) I Do It for Male Pattern Balding

Spyhnx bald cat

Bryan Adams weepy number celebrating the joys of premature balding. We must presume this song, which supported the 1993 Robin Hood film, was to celebrate Friar John’s bald cranium.

I Want to Hold Your Male Pattern Balding

Bald man with glasses

The Beatles here with one of their abandoned singles. It was dubbed, “Just way, way too weird!” by the establishment. And has been banned from the radio since the 1960s. Rock on.

A Whiter Shade of Male Pattern Balding

Spyhnx bald cat

Procul Harum’s 1967 hit was all about greying and male pattern balding. A double combo of, “Gee, why am I old before me time?”

Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Male Pattern Balding

Bald man with glasses

This mocking number of balding mens’ heads is a particularly insulting number to balding mens’ heads. Yellow?! Pink would be better!

Do They Know it’s Male Pattern Balding?

Spyhnx bald cat

Bob Geldof’s post-Live Aid song which set out to support balding men around the globe. He helped to raise $100.

Male Pattern Balding O’Mine

Bald man with glasses

Guns N’Roses hit with lots of shrieking and guys with big ’80s hair. Kind of contradicts the song’s message, no?

I Can’t Get No Male Pattern Balding

Spyhnx bald cat

The Rolling Stones may have mocked bald blokes of the 1960s. But now they’re… still not bald. Hair transplants, fellas? Or you lanky bastards lucked out?

River Deep Male Pattern Balding High

Bald man with glasses

Tina Turner hit from the 1960s. Seems a bit weird to sing about such a topic in a hair-obsessed era. Prescient!

I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Male Pattern Balding)

Spyhnx bald cat

Whitney Houston again. Why was she so obsessed with bald blokes? Whatever floats your boat, madam.

And finally…

With a Little Help From My Male Pattern Balding

Bald man with glasses

The Beatles again with the landmark Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band number. Ringo did well here. Even though he wasn’t bald back in 1967.

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