Are you a bad boy? Well, then, don’t drag that thing off the street into the house, Fido! That’s a very naughty boy!

Meanwhile, men actively pursue such activities. As it makes then “tough”. Because they live by their own rules. Which is, you know, super hot. Let us explore the topic.

Bad Boy

This message needed considerable amends, but we think we convey his general message in the below bit.

Greetings, what is becoming of you? [Editor: He wrote "waddup" but we preferred the former bit]. I is thinking dat there's, like, aiiiie, and I ain't on it. 

An I reckon that's because I is a bad boy. I is bad. It is in me jeans. They got rips. In them!

So I we're thinking, right, if chicks is gonna dig this I need to be less bad boy. Cos I is SO bad boy, even I are like, "Holy shizz, Shizz Bizz, you is two cray cray for the lay lay!" LOL!

Anyway, so I we're listening to me fave rap tunes and den I reckoned, "Shizz! I iz gonna be LESS bad boy!" So I sent me bird, Doreen, a message going, "Hi babe you mean so much to me, girl!" And she we're all startled and accused me of being on drugs! I we're like, "BITCH! I ARE ONLY TAKEN HEROIN RIGHT NOW!" And the cray cray calm down. It calm down.

But den I keep doing bad boy. Example:

- Me bird ask me to go to the shop to buy milk, I buy her Jaffa Cakes instead. Aight!
- Me bird ask me to go to the shops to buy more Jaffa Cakes. I buy milk instead. Aight!
- Me bird say she gonna leave me, I have mental breakdance infront of friends (like a mental breakdown, but you is breakdancing - everyone gets covered in tears and snot).
- I beg me bird to come back me, she goes, "nah mate, I need more than a one inch peacock LOOOL!" And I we're like, "Bitch! I are two inch!" And then I got all bad boy and set fire to her dad's shed. 

Lemme know at any rate what you reckon. Aight! Shizz Bizz

Hi, Shizz Bizz. Thank you for your message. Most of it came across as insane, rambling incoherence. But we guess that’s what happens when you listen to rap music.

Our initial reaction was you’re a 10 year old requiring immediate psychiatric support. If this isn’t the case, we suggest the following:

• Play by your own gruels: Like gruel? It’s a great time to throw your weight behind this oft forgotten poverty dish!
• Play by your own rulers: Measure things up! Work out how far your “bird” is out of line an all that.
• Play by your own crème brûlée: And why not?
• Play by your own drool: This seems particularly suited to your obvious stupidity. Monitor your drool. Observe its lack of sense.
• Hey, Jude: Sing that Beatles song!
• We’re out of ideas: That’s it, mate, you’re out of time!

Our general recommendation, which comes out of apathy rather than empathy, is you should act in the moment.

Be bad. Go to Tesco. Stand in the frozen food aisle. Take a bag of peas home to your lady.

And then… THEN! Then, you she will realise you’re speacial!