After our last apprentice died horribly of starvation (see returning to work after coronavirus), we’re on the lookout for our new one. It’s you!
Or is it!? Well, that’s for us to decide, you hilariously desperate job candidates. Just send us your CV/résumé to embrace this life-changing opportunity.
The Skills You’ll Need
At Professional Moron, we’re not like other businesses or shady operations. We employ only the best.
How do you become the best? Through sheer inhuman capabilities and dedication. You must work harder than everyone else on the planet! What else? Well, become the best:
- Through lifelong application of your skill set to hone yourself towards superiority over everyone else on the goddamn planet.
- By bullshitting, cheating, and lying your way around everyone else if #1 isn’t a possibility due to your lack of intelligence/talent.
- Through abandoning moral standards and integrity in favour of mindless individualism.
- By ignoring your luck and privilege to pretend you’re superior than everyone else, thusly bolstering your otherwise faltering ego.
- Through blackmailing everyone else who’s much better than you are.
None of which applies to you, feeble apprentice, for the above five points are what have ensured we at Professional Moron now dominate the stupidity market.
It’s through our staggering and unmatchable brilliance that we’re in the position we are today. And you need to fall in line and prop up our delusional arrogance.
The Experience You’ll Need
At Professional Moron, we’re open to all manner of applicants from folks of any country. We’re an equal opportunities employer, but we don’t employ dead people.
However, under the Equality Act 2010 we feel there’s no room for grievance. Although, under the Afterlife Equality Act 1356, a UK law established in the Middle Ages, we appreciate this decision may come across as bigoted.
In our defence, the role we have available isn’t suitable for any plague-ridden victims from the Black Death era. If that’s you, please apply to more suitable roles—such as a shop assistant.
What we need from you, our living apprentice, is the following:
- At least two years’ experience mopping the sick off floors in pubs to develop your gag reflex. Our offices smell bad and we don’t need you puking everywhere.
- At least one year of experience working in a bar with belligerent drunken men hurling stuff at you. This will help you cope with our editor.
- Some writing abilities. For instance, the capacity to form coherent sentences.
- An understanding of your and you’re and what they mean.
- You must be able to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious without a single error. Every single time. We intend to use this adjective a lot going forward.
It’s also desirable, but not essential, for you to have a twee sense of gullibility and naivety.
This is so we can exploit you in the contract of employment so we can underpay you and generally treat you like crap.
What You’ll Get
Although there’s a terrifying rat infestation of late, working at Professional Moron is a jovial, genial, and life-affirming experience.
For your efforts, you’ll receive the following:
- A terrible wage that’ll leave you struggling to survive.
- An emotional battering that’ll probably leave you with a nervous affliction for the rest of your career (i.e. life experience).
- Free fruit on a Wednesday.
- Irregular social activities with the moody, distant, and burned out staff.
- Access to our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, who’ll guide you through your experience with psychotic outbursts and delusional behaviour.
- Weekends off.
- A slab of brie on your birthday.
- A company car (which we’ll steal for you and create a fake license under your name).
Apply today to become the busybody of the Professional Moron office. When you join our business, you’re going places.
Usually to a mortuary, but that’s better than nothing, right?
Please note, if you don’t hear back from us within six months of applying you should presume we’re disgusted by you and have blacklisted your very being.