Agony Aunt: “My husband’s hairy chest has taken over his life!”

A bearded man adjusting his tie
He looks quite hairy, but not enormously so. That jumper/shirt combo blocks his body, really. Maybe ask him to remove his clothes to check the rest of him for hair. Although do so in a legal way. Such as by asking politely.

Men are pretty hairy at the best of times (unless going bald). Head hair, eyebrows, nose hair, ear hair, knuckles, back etc. etc.

And while most human females panic upon sight of a hairy back, opinions vary on a chest covered in fluff. Is it manly? Is it gross? Well, let’s have a think.

The Macho World of Hairy Chests

Dear agony aunt. My husband (Kevin) is a proud man. He's proud of his job as a toilet attendant. He's proud he can drink 11 pints of beer on a Friday night ("And I only need to vomit once!"), and he's proud of his hairy chest. 

He "gets it out" as often as possible. Like, he wears shirts with the top buttons undone and a gold medallion underneath that. Whatever flashes the man chest hair. 

We go to parties and he's got his shirt unbuttoned all the way down to his bloody stomach. And he'll lean on things at odd angles so his chest hair is obviously on show. 

He also drinks a hair growth serum to stimulate further hairy chest, combs the hair thrice daily, and uses shampoo and conditioner on it. 

All the rage these days, barbers now also have special "Hairy Chest" departments where men can congregate and compare hairy chests, take notes, and groom themselves.

For a wax and trim of his chest, Kevin is spending £1,000 a month! This is absurd! I'm not even sure I like it. Waking up each morning with this Big Foot like monster lying on top of me snoring. 

The only time his hairy chest came in handy is when I slipped on our stairs once at home. Kevin was right behind me. I lashed out with my arms to steady myself, only doing so upon gripping his mane of chest fluff. 

Kevin was most pleased with that. He told me, "I think my hairy chest genuinely saved your life. But for this most manly of gifts, you would have plunged down the staircase head first, shattering your limbs and skull in the process, dying a horrifying and ignominious death!"

I'm not so convinced, I probably would have just sprained an ankle or something. I only had four more steps to walk down. 

With all this infatuation, I think he's compensating with it due to his tiny penis, to be honest. 

If anything, his hairiness is causing more problems than saviours. Last month, we went to a dinner party at our friend Charlotte's house. 

While Kevin was leaning across the dinner table to acquire more sausages, his chest hovered dangerously close to an open candle flame. 

The next thing we all knew, he was screaming hysterically and roaring obscenities about his beloved hairy chest. 

For the following three weeks he retired to his man cave to "recuperate". He was clearly furiously working on his hairy chest, washing it daily, drinking litres of hair growth serum, and massaging it back to full health. He emerged, triumphant, last week and now refuses to go anywhere with his top on. 

Including work. Who've handed him a disciplinary order due to his, "inability to attend work wearing sufficient clothing."

What am I to do about this man? I sort of love him. But I'm finding him a bit of an annoying dick right now, to be honest. Yours, Emma

Hi, Emma. We must admit, we spent much of our time reading your rambling message believing you were referring to a hairy treasure chest.

It’s quite right, we thought, that Kevin protect his riches. Even if it’s uncommon for such a treasure trove to be “hairy”.

Regardless, as it turns out it’s just his chest, well… in truth, Emma, the modern man is part man, part part-time drama queen. Especially regarding his hair.

Being magnificently coiffured is as essential as, say, getting a bit drunk on a Friday night and slugging a fist at a random stranger.

We’ll go as far as saying you’re being atrociously sexist with your statements about Kevin. To the extent we’re reporting you to the local authorities for libelous statements! Good day to you, madam.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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