It’s common for the human male to feel the urge to grope himself in public, thereby alleviating uncomfortable feelings (such as an itch or hernia).

However, this is often deeply embarrassing for everyone else. Such as today’s human female, who despairs over the conduct of her human male and desires for a cessation on his scratch-based antics. 

How to Stop Your Husband From Itching Himself in Public

Dear Agony Aunt. My husband, Dominic, has recently developed an itching problem. 

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have scabies or the plague. I rigorously check him each night while he sleeps, poking at him with a scalpel between taking urine and stool samples (I've constructed an underground laboratory beneath our house to maintain tests). While he sleeps I give him an anesthetic and do what's necessary. 

He's unaware of this, of course, blissfully ignorant to my nightly checks. I keep a diary for daily updates. Here's last night's:

"Day 23: The test subject is still not exhibiting a rash, seeping buboes, or any form of death. However, I continue to check him each night to determine the nature of his malady. I have duly noted:

- Dominic is overweight and needs to start an exercise regime. 
- He is far too hairy and I shall recommend he waxes himself monthly. 
- He does not have plague.
- He is not contagious. 
- I no longer find him attractive. If he gets plague, then this is a state of affairs that will develop further.

At least for now it protects my social life—a pleasing development. Dominic has promised to buy me a nice dress next week and I do not want seeping pus and plague diarrhea all over it."

The next day we got the bus into town to go and buy a nice new dress. But Dominic is sitting there on the bus itching his crotch like crazy all the time.

Ridiculous! An old lady sitting in one of those vertically positioned seats at the front of the bus saw Dominic and looked at him with disgust in her eyes. Well my husband was angry. "WOT!?" He yelled, "WOT YOU LOOKIN' AT!? DAFT BITCH!" I told him to calm down, but in typical Dominic fashion he yelled, "WOT?! I DIDN'T FUCKIN' DO NUFFINK!" And he kept itching at his crotch like crazy and was in a foul mood for the rest of the day (but I got a nice blue dress to wear). 

So that night a took another stool sample from him and took some hair follicles. Then I put him under local anesthetic and, during a short operation with sterilised equipment, removed one of his kidneys (I can't remember which one). NB: I was wearing my nice new blue dress while operating!

In my laboratory, I closely inspected the kidney for signs of plague, gangrene, scurvy, and the common cold. However, it was a perfectly healthy kidney! What gives?! Why is my husband itching himself all the time? And why is he such a bellend!? 

Regards, Doreen

P.S. My blue dress went down a storm at a recent social distancing friends get together! 

P.P.S. I donated Dominic's kidney to the NHS Organ Donation service.

Doreen—it’s probably wise to get your husband’s permission before you start removing important organs from his body.

However, if you believe your husband has plague then you should take him to your local voodoo priestess. She’ll perform a Satanic ritual on him, purifying his mortal soul at the behest of Beelzebub.

Whilst you’re with the voodoo priestess, you can then ask her about the itching problem. We’re sure she’ll have some mystical chant to take care of that for him.

However, it’s a shame you handed the kidney over to the NHS, otherwise the priestess could have concocted an elixir with the kidney, some bark from a tree, and some cheese.

Check to see if your husband needs his other kidney. If not, take him to see your local witch. She’ll make that elixir for you at a better price than the voodoo priestess. Best of luck, Doreen.