Employee Lateness: How to Crack Down on Tomfoolery

Silhouettes of employees at work
Which ones will turn up late!? Time to get paranoid!

Your workforce is populated by inferior scumbags too lazy or stupid to run a business.

To make matters worse, some are so feckless they can’t even be bothered turning up to work on time. Here’s how to make them pay for their crimes!

What is Employee Lateness?

It’s where members of staff turn up to work late (you idiot). Doing this means they’re not in work doing work. As such, it’s not a desirable situation.

For example, if an employee is supposed to begin work at 9 am, but arrives at 9:51 am, then this means they’re late. 

Similarly, if the employee arrives at 9:01 am then this means they’re late. 

If they do that consistently for years at a time, they’re effectively fleecing your business of hours of hard work! This is unacceptable. Crack down on it violently.

Why do Employees Turn Up Late?

Most employees are a bit dumb and lazy. This is why they’re poorer than you, the employer. So, it’s no surprise they can’t figure out what time to turn up.

However, some employees are jackasses and will actively arrive late due to poor lifestyle choices. For example:

  • They may have a hangover. 
  • They may have overslept due to staying up all night rioting. 
  • Their kids may get ill one morning, so the employee has to mop up all the vomit. 
  • On public transport, they may be assaulted by a vagabond and need to go to hospital. 

As you can see, there are many reasons for lateness. None of them are acceptable! You pay your staff to turn up. And turn up they shall!

Violently Stopping Employee Lateness

The most effective approach is to engage in violent measures. Due to the Equality Act 2010, you should dish these out fairly and without discrimination. 

Some businesses like to make an example of lateness. So, you could introduce an Anti-Lateness at Work Policy to police the situation. 

In this, you should outline your business’ stance on staff turning up late. Here are common procedures:

  • Public floggings: Ritual humiliation is a great way to get staff to arrive on time. So, whenever an employee is late, take them to a public area and thrash them mercilessly with a whip (or belt). 
  • Stocks: Jam the offending individual into a stock and have their colleagues pelt them with rotten vegetables and eggs. That’ll teach them to arrive three minutes late!
  • A punch to the face: Punching an employee in the face is a great way to make them turn up on time. After all, who wants a constant series of facial punches? Exactly.
  • Salary deductions: Turned up late again?! Dock £500 from the bastard’s wage! That’ll teach them! 
  • Hobbling: Whack the offending individual with a sledgehammer to teach them what for!

So, you can include a mixture (or all) of the above into one pretty draconian package. Whatever gets them into work on time.

Of course, under the Employment Rights Act 1996 many of the above are pretty illegal. 

If you were to go ahead with any of them, then you could end up facing a grievance complaint. And that could lead to an employment tribunal. 

However, you can avoid this if you get written permission from your employees to carry out barbaric acts. 

Of course, your average employee doesn’t want to be hobbled. It hurts. And getting them to agree with it may prove difficult. 

But you can threaten them with an axe, or jab at them with a sharp pencil, until they cave in. Then you can go ahead with your nefarious plans. 

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