Another year, another Christmas build-up report from our man Santa Claus. This is his EIGHTH year writing his column for us!
These will run weekly until January 2021. Hold onto your butts—here we go.
Santa’s Coronavirus Christmas Prep
Hello. After the need for Santa’s self-isolation message in May woke me from my hibernation I then got drunk and passed out and hibernated again until now.
But, it’s the usual Christmas slog. With or without this “coronavirus” situation.
While I still think it’s leftist propaganda designed to turn everyone into communists, under the local laws I HAVE to take health and safety precautions for my employees—the elves.
Through gritted teeth (because there’s a massive bastard of a fine otherwise), I’ve had to put in safety precautions to satisfy the woke left and all those namby pamby snowflakes.
I got my head elf, Markus, to erect (lol) banners and finalise policies. This is what we’ve done:
- Social distancing: All employees have been supplied with a cattle prod. If they think someone isn’t staying two metres away from them, under our policies they have the right to cattle prod an offending colleague.
- Hand sanitisers: Maximum strength 80% alcohol—enough to kill any germ stone dead. Also pretty nice as a tipple.
- Remote working: No.
- Free cheese: To take employees’ minds off the pandemic.
- Merciless belt whippings: Should anyone flaunt the above policies (e.g. refusing to eat the free cheese due to namby pamby “veganism” etc.).
- Satanic verses: A brainwashing tactic. The elves think it keeps the demons at bay so they won’t get ill. LOL! Stupid dickheads.
- Daily floggings: To repent for our sins. Another brainwashing tactics. I just like to see my employees suffer.
- Face masks: Asbestos-lined face masks are being handed out to all staff members, thus ensuring their total safety whilst working.
This changes often because of government guidelines. For example, last week our government banned building snowmen. Because it’s a social practice.
Goddamn leftist cancel culture at its worst! When you can’t even have some fun in the snow… this is when you know the liberal cult is taking over society.
Leading By Example
Of course, I’m leading by example with our health and safety practices. But because the sanitiser is 80% alcohol I’ve been drinking it rather than rubbing it on my hands.
This has, apparently, led to me not sticking to the namby pamby snowflake social distancing policy. Initially, I refused to believe such accusations.
But CCTV confirms I’ve often been staggering down factory corridors bumping off employees and/or my wife and/or the reindeer.
My wife said I should stop doing that and I politely told her to, “Fuck the hell off!”
Rudolph, meanwhile, had a hypochondriac fit and locked himself in the shed out back. He’s been in self-imposed lockdown since July.
That’s what we thought, anyway, until I got Markus to check up on him last week.
He found the red-nosed reindeer collapsed unconscious in a pool of vomit surrounded by empty bottles. The bastard has been drinking MY supplies non-stop for months!
In a rage, I erupted into the shed and whipped my belt off to provide a thrashing to the beast. However, my Santa pants immediately fell to my ankles, exposing my fat hairy legs and stained underpants.
Markus threw up and passed out, but the stench was so foul it was enough to rouse Rudolph. As he regained consciousness, groaning liberally (the leftist communist!), I bellowed obscenities at him.
He flipped me the bird, turned over, and passed out again. Furious, I rushed forward to get at him, tripped over my Santa pants, and fell over.
Not my finest moment, but thankfully no one was around to see it. I simply got some other elves to drag me back to my quarters, where I had a bottle of whiskey and cleaned myself up a bit.
Coronavirus For Christmas
That all leads me to what Santa’s plans are for this year’s Xmas. The great news is Christmas is still on!
There’s money to be made here, so I’ll cut every single corner I can to ensure I get my share. So the general plan is as follows:
- Breach health and safety rules wherever possible, but in a manner that’s furtive and won’t arouse too much governmental ire.
- Provide a 1 cent raise for all my staff, so they’ll think I’m mega generous.
- Provide free chlorine drinks for all employees (including myself) to ensure no one gets COVID-19.
- Don’t let cancel culture cancel Christmas—the liberals won’t win this time! Christmas will go ahead no matter how many of my employees die in the process.
- All presents will be marinated in bleach prior to shipping to little kids.
My marketing team has been on me to finalise our business motto for 2020: “Honest. Fair. Reliable.” That’s what they suggested. In the name of honesty I suggested, “Honest. Fair. Reliable. Bastard!”
My head elf, Markus, said this wasn’t suitable. So I punched him in the face.