Agony Aunt: “My husband has joined a cult!”

A crowd of people, possibly in a cult
It’s a cult!

Cults, eh? Whether’s it’s Heaven’s Gate or sticking a McDonald’s on Mount Everest, some people just want to preach about silly stuff.

But what happens if a cult member is your husband? Today’s human female is in that pickle of a situation.

Removing Your Husband From a Cult

Hello... and help! HELP! My husband of five years has recently joined a crazy cult! He brought home the cult's leaflet and he's trying to make me join! I'm scared! And angry!

The group is called the Masters of Marzipan! The leaflet explains that because of political correctness "gone mad" the Great Marzipan is being left behind in society. 

And the cult wants to bring it back to the forefront of popular culture! Through "any means necessary—except electrocution, World War, propaganda, and/or blowing stuff up."

They don't seem very committed to those vows, however, because I went to watch my first Masters of Marzipan protest and cult members were running about preaching death and destruction if people didn't take them seriously. They blew up a pie shop! And they ran around with cattle prods electrocuting citizens. I even saw my husband trying to force one of the propaganda leaflet's into a police offer's face using his fist!

The cult has 147 members and they're on me 24/7 to join! What do I do!? 

I mean, I love my husband. But I'm not that fussed about marzipan. I find it a bit icky. Sickly sweet, you know? I don't want to spend my life preaching about the Great Marzipan, when I just find it okay. 

I also think it's wrong to beat people up because of a foodstuff. I mean, I LOVE ice cream, for example. I'm not going to punch someone in the face because they DON'T like ice cream! I'd just say, "Oh, okay, that's interesting because I love ice cream. You must be mentally deficient, or something!" Something polite like that, you know!?

But my husband seems to be losing his mind! He's now transformed our bed into a giant slab of marzipan, eats nothing but marzipan, is writing a rap album about marzipan, and is planning to castrate himself, "In the name of the Great Marzipan!" I mean... he better not bloody castrate himself! He's planning to use a marzipan scalpel for that! When will this madness end?! HELP! Eleanor

Hi, Ellie. Your husband is clearly on an important mission, so you have two options available for yourself:

  1. Man up and help your husband.
  2. Concuss him with a hammer and lock him up in your cellar.

If we were in your situation (and thank cripes we’re not!), we’d probably combine the two—man up and knock him out.

However, do remember that constitutes assault and may result in a prison sentence for yourself. A long one. Especially if you accidentally murder him.

On reflection, we think the best thing you can do is join the cult.

We used to be in one dedicated to Marmite. To help you out, below there’s an explainer on the type of life you can expect.

Life in a Foodstuff Cult

The great thing about joining a foodie cult is there’s less mass suicide and random horror. This means you get a lot more out of your life.

We can’t talk from experience about the Masters of Marzipan, but our group (the Masters of Marmite) had the following routines:

  • Daily prayer in the name of Marmite.
  • Daily flagellation in the name of Marmite.
  • Daily 37 mile run in the name of Marmite.
  • Posting propaganda online.
  • Verbally threatening the Bovril community.
  • Bathing in Marmite.
  • Eating nothing but Marmite.

Due to our lifestyle, we came down with a severe case of “salt overdose”. That led us to leave the cult, but we have fond memories of our time there.

We’ll conclude by indicating that if you love your husband, you should just join the cult and be a happy family together.

Your babies will grow up bloated and unhealthy due to the relentless marzipan diet, but at least you’ll be together.

Because otherwise you’d have to get a divorce! And that’s the very worst possible thing in society!

Imagine having to tell your parents, “I divorced my husband because he loves marzipan.” They’d send you off to an insane asylum! All the best, Ellie.

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