Agony Aunt: “My husband thinks he’s King of England!”

A King's crown set to a red background
All hail!

Every man thinks he’s a King. But only one of them is (sometimes). And sometimes there are none at all, because there’s a Queen.

However, the human male is so fatuous he can sometimes delude himself into believing he’s still the King. Much to the chagrin of the human female (and Elvis).

Is My Husband the King?

Dear Agony Aunt. I'll get straight to it, I know you don't like people to waffle on before getting to their life problems [Editor: Correction. Your pathetic life problems].

So it's about my husband. He's got a bit of an ego about him as he hits middle-age and has started waking each morning believing he's required in government. He thinks he's the King of England! The sad old git. 

He believes I'm his equerry, while our five kids are his footmen. Even though we only have daughters. 

He's also demanded we fit in with his routine of pomp and ceremony. We all have to sing God Save the King each morning while he's on the toilet. Standing outside the bathroom listening to him grunting away isn't doing any of us any good. 

Then it's downstairs where he wants a full roast boar for breakfast with all the trimmings (including gravy). I must say I'm at my limit finding wild roast boar for each morning and have provided substitutions such as a leg of lamb and a chicken. He doesn't seem to notice the difference. I don't think he knows what a boar is (it's a type of goat?). 

Only then does he leave for work. He's a plumber. He's carried some of this lark into his day job because he's demanded his customers roll out the red carpet for him upon his arrival to unclog toilets etc. He also expects a full fanfare. It's fair to say this doesn't happen on most callouts, which enrages him somewhat. He threatens to have the customers beheaded and that's landed my husband in quite a bit of bother. Work has warned him that he can't threaten to behead customers when he's just out to fix a leaky faucet. My hisband then threatened to behead his boss and he had to face disciplinary measures. 

When he gets home we also have to roll out the red carpet and my children get their recorders (we can't afford four trumpets, nor can we play them) and we give him as rousing a welcome home as possible.

He's rarely impressed with our efforts and threatens to behead the lot of us, which is upsetting the girls. Mary (7) says to me, "Why is daddy such a weirdo?" She got three weeks detention for that! NO ONE insults the King and... oh, crap, I mean this is what my husband's antics are doing to me! I'm starting to believe his delusions! It's been going on for six months and, to be honest, I'm sick of being threatened with beheadings.

What should I do? Assassinate him? Divorce proceedings? Play Queen's Greatest Hits in the vague hope it'll snap him out of this reverie? Yours, Gloria

Hi, Gloria. It sounds like your husband is having what’s called a “midwife crisis”, which is caused by there not being enough midwives within a certain radius.

Fear not! There’s a cure for this malady. If your husband really is the King of England, he’ll need proof of his divine right. This can be in the form of:

Once you’ve gathered all of these items (stick them together in a bucket, or something) send them off to the Queen of England.

Upon realising her error, she’ll abdicate the crown with immediate effect. This will allow your husband to take up residence in Buckingham Palace.

There he’ll be surrounded by midwives, creating an epiphany where he’ll realise he either is (or isn’t) the King.

Hell, what do we care? We’re anti-monarchy. Tell your layabout husband to sort his own life affairs out.

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