Since lockdown measures were eased in England, the rate of alien abduction stories have shot through the roof!
And we’re here to report on our latest, and greatest, tale of proof there’s life out there beyond the Moon and all that.
Alien Abduction Diary #7: Kev Barker, 19, Bolton
Mr. Barker was walking home from work one evening from his job as a lavatory attendant, when he was “jumped” by partying aliens from another world.
They invited him into their spaceship for drinks and revelry.
Mr. Barker accepted this offer and joined the 20ft pink slobbering monsters for a few rounds of what they called “Space Beers”.
Over the next 48 hours, Mr. Barker explained he went on a “dead good” drunken bender across the universe with his “alien mates”.
This ended with a depraved orgy on the Moon with 400 of the aliens and Mr. Barker stating he was, “Too drunk to refuse the action, mate.”
Mr. Barker was then returned to Earth by the aliens who flew off on their next drunken conquest.
However, like a scene from Octavia Butler’s Bloodchild, Mr. Barker discovered he was pregnant and has since given birth to three alien beings.
The creatures gestated in his stomach before passing through his intestines and into the world. Mr. Baker has named his kids Jeff, Fred, and Mike. He said:
“It’s been a week and they’re already ten feet tall. They’re a bit of a handful and the local hospitals freak out a bit when I take them in for checks and all that shit. They think it’s a prank. At least me mates believe me, they think me kids are great and we went on t’ lash in Bolton t’other night with Jeff, Fred, and Mike and really freaked out the community. It were dead funny. People running off screamin’ and all that shit. Hahahahahaha.”
However, the aliens somehow discovered Mr. Barker has given birth to their alienkind and returned to Earth to indulge in a custody battle.
A media circus has since erupted around Mr. Barker and the 21ft slobbering alien monster believed to be the father of the three aliens.
Mr. Barker told us:
“They’re my fuckin’ kids! No bastard foreigners are gonna take ’em off me! I’ll fight this to the day I die!”
We contacted the slobbering alien monsters for a counter argument quote. They sent us a severed alien head in the mail.
Bemused by this, we sent another message enquiring about the severed head.
The aliens responded to this with three more severed alien heads, seemingly as three separate “messages”.
We later found out the alien’s form of written communication is to sever heads and send them in the mail. Whatever floats your boat, we guess.
Type of Aliens
Revellers and party animals, mainly. Mr. Baker has said he gave them a DVD of 24 Hour Party People as a parting gift (prior to the custody battle).
However, due to the unorthodox communication methods the species has it needs to maintain sky high population rates.
This is why the species often parties, touring the universe to breed, proliferate, and ensure the survival of its kinds.
Even a simple birthday card, or exchange from a mother to her slobbering children, can result in dozens of severed heads (and alien deaths).
Alien Threat Level Rating
The species appears to be more of a hazard to itself than anyone else.
Considering the aliens have the intellectual capacity to create astonishing spaceships capable of travelling through galaxies in mere hours, you’d think they’d be okay with using a pen and paper.
The downside for those who come into contact with them is you’ll need to be okay with having children.
If that isn’t your bag, best steer clear of this lot. Politely reject their request to party and return home to have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Alien Abduction Experience
Mr. Barker has enjoyed the experienced, but is most displeased about subsequent developments. He’s keen to keep his children.
However, the aliens have also threatened to detonate the Earth with a “space bomb” they claim has the power of 144,000 atom bombs.
As such, it seems likely Mr. Barker will have to relinquish the babies to the aliens to ensure the survival of the human race. Bummer.
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
As genuine as they come. We’ve spoken with Mr. Barker and seen his three children (Jeff, Fred, and Mike) and they are very real.
Although they did look suspiciously like men on stilts covered in pink paint and slime, Mr. Barker assured us that most definitely is not the case.
As such, we can only conclude that alien beings inhabit our universe. And some are ready to party. May God have mercy on our souls.