Ask Dr. Moron: “How do I stop sleepwalking?”

A woman in pyjamas holding a pillow after sleepwalking into a field
A human female indulging in sleepwalking.

There comes a time in any humans’ life where sleepwalking is an essential activity. It may be due to the boredom of sleep, having undiagnosed ADHD, or you’re just weird.

Either way, it can be alarming for those who go to bed in their jim jams, only to find themselves coming to in a sewer somewhere.

It can be downright alarming! Thankfully, we’re here to help you all put a stop to what may be an unwanted endeavour.

How to Control Sleepwalking Impulses

Disclaimer: Our medical advice isn’t medical advice at all. Don’t follow anything we say! For the love of God!

Dear Dr. Moron. I often find myself sleepwalking and have woken up in some really odd locations. These include:

- A greasy kebab shop at 3am surrounded by drunken students.
- In someone's shed in Aberdeen (I live in London). 
- On top of a pillar in Madrid. 
- In the football stadium during the 2021 Euro final with England vs Italy.
- In a field with sheep in Wales.
- In a press conference with Tom Cruise for the new Top Gun film. He karate chopped me once I came to and I was ejected from the premises. 

My girlfriend says she doesn't mind me sleepwalking, but I can tell she does because I overheard her on the phone to her mother saying, "Mom, I hate this goddamn bastard and his sleepwalking, he's a dickhead!" And that's a dead giveaway. 

So, what can I do to restore my life to normal? Thanks, Derek

Hi Derek! It’s important to remember, for some people, sleepwalking is a hobby.

It’s not uncommon to see groups of sleepwalkers hiking through rural areas having agreed previously on where to sleepwalk.

What’s hilarious about that agreement is they’ll often awake en masse in a curious location and begin screaming hysterically.

However, not so hilarious is the societal cost of sleepwalking. It’s estimated 70% of all employees and workers sleepwalk their way through jobs.

This costs an estimated £77 trillion for the British economy every year. For, as we all know, working hard is all that matters.

However, based on your name, Derek, we do know you have the typical (as opposed to atypical) forename for an individual to labour under sleepwalking. Read on for further information.

The Unusual Instances of “Derek” In Sleepwalking History

Dr. Moron’s esteemed knowledge determined 89% of all sleepwalkers through human history run by the name of Derek.

The reasons for this are manifold and include:

  • Subconscious despair over such an inane name.
  • Desire to “get out there” and find a better name.
  • What’s called “Derekterminism”, a philosophy that all events, including moral choices, are determined by the forename Derek. And, thusly, a desire to escape such a vacuous premise.
  • The fact “pre-historic” kind of rhymes with “Derek”, if you think about it for a minute or two, thusly indicating a habit held from previous family members.
  • Derek is such a boring name the only way to emancipate oneself from it is to sleepwalk (as previously indicated above).

And on the latter point, we must think of Jim Morrison. Would he have become world famous had he been called Derek Morrison? No. Not at all.

Would he have indulged in sleepwalking to a greater extent? Yes. Absolutely.

So, the moral of this story is don’t call any of your kids Derek. And if you’re currently labouring under that name then change it by deed poll.

Sleepwalking?! Cured! Now pick a more exciting forename. Examples:

  • Shit For Brains.
  • The Grandiose Masterpiece of Cheese.
  • Clickbait.
  • Toastie.
  • War and Peas.
  • Chancer Ward.
  • Buttocks.

Indeed, we feel the name Buttocks McGee is an excellent manner in which to ward off sleepwalking.

At the very least, those coming across you upon waking would be alarmed enough to distance themselves from you upon hearing your name. That’s a start, eh?

10 comments

  1. Excellent advice!
    However, my sleepwalking problem goes a titch deeper.
    Oh, Dr. Moron! I sleepwalk eat, condiments!
    I wake up in the morning, go in the kitchen and find an empty jar of mustard, with a licked clean spoon inside the jar. Peanut and all nut butters are also on my midnight menu. HELP!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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