As with flip-flops at work, slippers at work are a major contentious point that could lead to a mass revolt from your employees and the eventual downfall of capitalism.
As such, it’s essential to have a slipper policy for your workplace environment, whether you operate a nuclear power plant or a black market drug ring. Read this full guide to find out the crucial details.
Employment Laws and Slippers
The Slippers at Work Act 1974 governs all laws regarding this type of footwear. But what is a “slipper”? The Act defines that as follows:
“Any comfortable slip-on shoe that employees wear indoors. If an employee deems their footwear to be excessively comfortable, then it’s 99% certain they’re wearing slippers.”
Thusly, any footwear that isn’t comfortable cannot be deemed a slipper. This is even if the item in question is, in fact, obviously a comfortable slip-on shoe.
This is ascertained on page 459 of The Slippers at Work Act 1974, section 37 (F) states:
“Uncomfortable slippers are not to be deemed as slippers due to the lack of general familiarity one would have with slippers. To whit, slippers are comfortable. Who would wear uncomfortable ones? Cretins?”
If, for example, the footwear product has razor blades hidden inside it, employees are unlikely to deem the item as a comfortable piece of footwear.
As such, you should ensure employees don’t have any razor blades ensconced in their slippers. This can lead to lacerations, bleeding, and time off work.
That is bad for productivity. You don’t want slippers responsible for that. Whether you class them as slippers or otherwise.
Should Slippers at Work Be Outlawed?
Yes. In fact, slippers in the workplace should be hunted down and murdered one by one. Especially now more employees are working from home than ever.
It’s your duty of care as an employer to hire a slipper-based assassin who specialises in taking out shoes with clinical precision.
Be aware, these individuals aren’t cheap to hire. Some can charge £3,000 per slipper obliteration.
However, think of the long-term ROI for protecting your employees, their feet, and capitalism as an entity.
Truly, you have not seen true fear until you’ve seen a billionaire being informed his workforce is working from home AND wearing slippers whilst doing so.
Some billionaires have been known to drop to their knees to howl like a wounded animal, roaring obscenities at the staggering unfairness of the world around them.
And one billionaire (who shall remain unnamed to protect his anonymity), he promptly hired 300 slipper assassins.
This led to the greatest massacre of slippers in the history of humankind. Or “mankind” as the billionaire kept calling it (he’s loaded, he lost touch with reality quite a long time ago).
Don’t Slippers Have Human Rights?
No. They’re slippers, why would they have? However, under the international Slippers Equality (and Quality) Act 2010 they do have the right:
- To be slippers.
- To be made out of plush and comfy materials.
- To include razor blades.
As such, this means slippers at work have the right to be comfortable and uncomfortable. For it is their given right.
Yet, contradictorily, under The Slippers at Work Act 1974 in the aforementioned section 37 (F), slippers aren’t slippers if they’re uncomfortable.
Due to this mixed and somewhat paradoxical message, employment lawyers drafted the The Slippers at Work (Miscellaneous) Act 2018 to create a definitive record on what is and/or isn’t a slipper.
However, this 30,000 page part polemic, part philosophical revelation was so complex on its ruminations about slippers, even the world’s leading intellects struggled with brain fog due to its complexities.
Every copy of The Slippers at Work (Miscellaneous) Act 2018 has since been sealed in a wooden box, filled with cement, and dumped into the Atlantic ocean.
Employment lawyers are now advising businesses to simply adopt a “no slippers” dress code for their business, ensuring staff members turn up in normal shoes.