When your employees attend work at your premises, most of them are usually wearing clothes. Indeed, most will also wear some kind of footwear—such as shoes.
But what happens when a lone maverick starts attending work in flip-flops, their foot stench so strong it affects productivity? This guide will help you sort out these SOBs.
Your Business’ Flip-Flops Legal Rights
It’s important to stress your stance on flip-flops from day one.
When a new starter begins their job, make sure you address them in an intense 1-1 about your views on flip-flops.
This is particularly important for liberal male staff members with long hair, as they’re likely to be the worst offenders in this regard. Explain aggressively to them:
- Flip-flops are a product of communism and, as such, must not infect your capitalist working environment.
- Feet are pretty gross and no one wants to see that at work.
- Man feet smell bad and no one wants to smell that.
- The flip-flopping noise is an auditory obstruction and, therefore, bad for productivity.
- Grown men shouldn’t be wearing flip-flops, FFS.
- Anyone who attends work in flip-flops will be tasered and sent home once they’ve stopped dribbling.
Due to the Health and Safety at Work etc. Act 1974, you can stipulate that flip-flops are a workplace hazard.
Under the Flip-Flops at Work etc. (Sandals, Crocs) Act 2014 you can also legally ban flip-flops (and sandals or crocs) from your working environment.
This is due to the Act’s stipulation that:
“Loose and noisy footwear at work raises several issues that constitute a threat to national security. In particular, flip-flops are a health and safety risk due to:
a) Longstanding connotations of communist regimes.
b) The generally grotesque nature of man feet.
c) Trips, falls, sprains, and limb loss due to flip-flop incidents.
It is the HSE’s (Health and Safety Executive) advice that all businesses ban dodgy footwear to maintain proper working standards.
You have the legal right to behead any employees who refuse to comply with your Anti-Flip-Flop policy.
Just to clarify there, that isn’t a typo:
“You have the legal right to behead any employees who refuse to comply with your Anti-Flip-Flop policy.”
This was considered overly harsh a penalty by the business world, but it isn’t a typo and you can behead as many staff members as you please (for breaching the Flip-Flops at Work etc. (Sandals, Crocs) Act 2014).
However, it’s good business practice to not behead your employees. As this would be bad for morale and could create a toxic working environment.
Your Business’ Flip-Flops at Work Policy
In your policy you need to lay out your business’ rules on footwear in the working environment.
This needs to be separate to your dress code, as (let’s face it) feet are a bit… you know.
Generally, you just want to make sure your male employees don’t turn up to work sporting flip-flops. This is easier said than done. As such, your policy must be draconian.
State the following measures to block all flip-flop wearing:
- A total ban on the footwear item.
- Armed guards on your premises 24/7 to shoot down any flip-flop wearing offenders.
- The use of public stocks to stuff offenders into for ritual humiliation—to make your point clear, pelt them with smelly old flip-flops and socks.
- As a last resort, turn to your legal right to beheadings. Just remember to carry out executions during lunch breaks, so as to avoid unnecessary delays to productivity.
Remember, shoes are a perfectly adequate form of footwear for your working environment.
Make sure your halfwit staff understands this! If it has to turn into a bloodbath to make your point, ensure you exert your legal rights as a superior business owner.