Agony Aunt: “I need a budget engagement ring for my broad!”

A moonlit silhouette of a couple with the man proposing
How revolting!

When a human male wants a human female to cook him meals for the end of days, he often proposes to the human female with an engagement ring.

The bad news? Engagement rings cost, on average, around £1,500-£6,000.

What if you don’t want to pay that much? Well, here’s some budgeting advice that’ll help this geezer bag his babe.

Budget Engagement Ring Advice

Ey up. I'm in love with my bird and it's time we shack up and spend the next 82 years together. I'm 18. It's what a real man does, innit?

The thing is after I dropped some hints last month she says she doesn't want to get married because she's going to uni to study "psychopathology" or whatever it is. I told her to get a job with me at the local pub. But she says she wants to "do more" than that with her life. And I were like, "You mean do more men!? I thought you loved me!" And she were like, "We've been going out for three weeks, Felix, give it time." And I were like, "TIME!? YOU'RE JUST SCARED OF COMMITMENT!" And she tutted and rolled her eyes so I stormed out of the room. 

What's with this broad? I thought women were all gagging to get married and birth children ASAP? 

I figured she's being difficult because she just wants to get married and this is her way of getting me to do that. You know, like reverse psychopathology. Trickery. Well I'm onto her game, you know? The problem is engagement rings are dead expensive. Cheapest is like £600! 

So to solve all that I just ram-raided an off licence with my mate's Mazda. My mate, Macca, did the driving. The problem is we didn't realise off licences don't sell engagement rings. We were sitting there, in the wreckage, me with my balaclava on with dust and debris everywhere and I had to wind the window down and yell at the shop owner, "Where's your engagement rings?!" And she yelled at me, "We don't sell engagement rings!" You could tell she was a bit freaked so I said, "Calm down, love! It's just a ram-raid." And well I couldn't leave empty handed, so I asked for her engagement ring and she was really eager to hand it over dead quick like. "Cheers, love!" I said. Then I grabbed three packs of lager and a crate of Malibu before Macca floored it and we got out of the shop. 

Anyway, I've got my engagement ring but the cops have put a warrant out for our arrest. I don't get that, all we really took was some lager and Malibu. 

A few hours after the ram-raid I proposed to the broad at home and she were all like, "Are you the one that did that ram-raid!?" Cos I have loads of glass cuts on my head and a bruised eye from when the woman in the shop hit me (yeah, she didn't hand over the engagement ring so easy I lied about that). And I said, "Babe, I've asked you a question! Will you marry me!"

But she just kept going on and on about the ram-raid and accusing me of it. "Babe, it really hurts my feelings you'd think I'd do something like that!" But well she's smart I guess, smarter than I thought. I think the giveaway was Macca parked outside in his beaten up Mazda drinking lager and Malibu. The broad is like, "Why would you ram-raid a shop, you idiot!?" And I were ignoring that and going, "Will you marry me, babe?" 

Anyway, she reported me to the cops. So, yeah, if the cops get me I'll have to return all this stuff, do a spell in jail, then come out and somehow budget for an engagement ring. 

For the moment me and Macca are on the run. Like Thelma and Louise, you know? What do you reckon I should do? Ta, Felix

Hi Felix. We all make mistakes in life. We suggest your best course of action is to apologise.

A good old-fashioned apology, in person, goes a long way to patching up strained relationships.

However, seeing as you’re on the run from the law, perhaps release an apology on whatever social media platforms you use. TikTok or whatever you kids use these days!

That’ll mean a lot to the shop owner whose business you’ve demolished.

Perhaps turn your video apology into a song and dance number, like a gangster rap. Here’s a suggestion for lyrics:

I is sorry I ram-raided your shop, yo!
I is just a bit of a bro, yo!
And you is sumfink of a ho, yo!
So take diss as my apology,
Because now I need to go and have a wee,
Uh huh, yeah, innit.

You see, the nod towards urination is relevant as it indicates you’ve been drinking the alcohol you stole from her premises.

It’s a nice little humorous reference to the situation you created, indicating you can make a joke of the situation.

And that should help dampen the blow of the thousands of pounds worth of damage you caused.

As for the engagement ring… can’t you just do what they did in The Vicar of Dibley? Get a bag of Hula Hoops crisps and use one for a ring. All the best!

6 comments

  1. What about a ring from a box of Cracker Jack?
    Didn’t think that one through, did you Felix?
    I fear you were thinking outside the box. This was one of those times you should have been thinking inside the box.

    Like

Dispense with some gibberish!

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