It’s one of life’s big questions, “Just how much is too much jam?” To eat, we mean. Although we suppose if there’s just too much jam in general everyone would suffocate.
But, thinking about this logically, whether it’s a jam roly-poly or The Jam (the band), it’s an important consideration.
Otherwise, you may merrily tuck into some jam this weekend… only to succumb horribly to a fate worse than death. Let’s explore this one!
When Does Jam Become Too Much?
Please note: Ignore our medical advice. It is terrible and we are not trained doctors.
Dear Doctor Moron. Recently I have been eating 12 jars a day of jam to fend off my concerns about scurvy. This has been successful, as there's no sign of scurvy. However, I'm generally finding myself suffering from side-effects including: - Extreme hyperactivity - Vomiting - Headaches - Irritability - Fatigue - Jitteriness - Frothing at the mouth Is it possible the jam is giving me rabies? Or is it something else. I refuse to accept jam is responsible for this as it's so tasty and I don't have scurvy. So, what's going on? Yours, Robert
Hi, Bob. There aren’t any strict measurements on the appropriate amount of jam that’s safe to eat, but you should aim to ensure you don’t consume an amount that’ll kill you.
12 jars appears to be pushing it a bit. And you’re obviously suffering from sugar withdrawal, although you may also have rabies. Do you consider yourself to have cerebral dysfunction? If so, you may have been bitten by a stray bat at some point
Regardless, jam is also an issue here. And death by jam is one of the worst fates any human being can suffer.
As such, keep your jam intake to no more than one jar a day.
Above that, you’ll risk succumbing to death by jam, which is a bit like that film The Fly with Jeff Goldblum. It goes like this:
- The jam begins to clog your innards, causing stomach cramps and the vomiting of conserve.
- Stomach cramps advance considerably, leading to indigestion and exclamations such as, “Oh… bloody hell!“
- Jam spreads to the brain and leads to sugar intoxication.
- Delirium, mania, and psychosis rapidly set in.
- The patient starts to believe they are a jar of jam and heads to their nearest supermarket, where they install themselves on the jam jar aisle.
- The patient spends the rest of their life on the jam jar aisle, confused as to why customers don’t purchase them to spread liberally on toast.
It’s a sad, sad state of affairs and one you want to avoid, Bob.
As such, we recommend a prescription course of jellied eels and aspic to wean you off the sugar overdose you’re currently raging through.
Sugar withdrawal includes craving for sugar and the desire to punch everyone you meet in the face, but within three days you’d be over that.
Dig deep with your willpower, Bob, to take a bright step into the future where you can be free from jam and enjoy stuff like bourbon biscuits instead. That’s entertainment.
Professional Moron 
This is enlightening. I’m going to breakaway from the Jam aisle and hurry the consumption of jellied eels and aspic.
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Good choice! We all know aspic is better than tasty, tasty, jam.
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What happens if you put jam on the jellied eels? Asking for a friend, you understand.
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As someone who has fig jam, guava jam, strawberry jam, apple jam, and apricot jam in my refrigerator, the answer to that question is no, you cannot.
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You have refrigerator!? I just keep all of my jam stored safely in my shed. Although that was destroyed last week by that bloke with his Shed Slaying business. Now I need to buy more jam.
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That is the number one danger of going on a shed-destroying rampage. You may accidentally destroy the jam that is stored within it. Definitely something to keep in mind when next year’s shed-demolition season comes around.
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Excellent idea, sir, but I think you should make this a Brasil-based shed activity. It’s your business idea. I can be your official mascot.
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Sounds like a good deal to me. But I need to look into the prominence of sheds around the country. I am not sure how popular they are or if I can find any here in Rio.
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Rio de Janeiro is Shed Central! I think. I may have made that up. Your English is way too good, by the way. You should be a successful shed salesman.
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Thanks a lot! =)
I used to work as an English teacher on Saturdays to earn some extra money, but it didn’t pay all that well. Perhaps as a shed salesman my English skills could finally be used to make me rich.
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That is ironic! My sister taught English in Brasil for several years, back in 2004. Them was the days.
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That’s quite an awesome coincidence! In what city did she teach?
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Over in f’ t’ Belo Horizonte, sir. She left a lasting legacy of excellence.
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It’s a good city to live in. I will contact the local authorities to make sure she gets the proper laurels and has her name inscribed in the book containing all the city heroes. In case she isn’t there already.
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The whole city should just be renamed Wapojif. I can dig that.
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I’d support that motion.
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Okay, this post has me jammed up! However, the band below my bed is about to have a music jam.
The music will be fab. So, take that and spread it where the jam cuts the mustard!
Much love,
Resa xo
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The Band? Or a band? It’d be fun having Levon Helm and Rick Danko under your bed, jamming away. “Do me a favour, son, won’t you stay and keep Miss Anna Lee company?!”
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Love that song!
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What song?
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The Weight
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I’m not that heavy, thank you very much!
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