It’s one of life’s big questions, “Just how much is too much jam?” To eat, we mean. Although we suppose if there’s just too much jam in general everyone would suffocate.
But, thinking about this logically, whether it’s a jam roly-poly or The Jam (the band), it’s an important consideration.
Otherwise, you may merrily tuck into some jam this weekend… only to succumb horribly to a fate worse than death. Let’s explore this one!
When Does Jam Become Too Much?
Please note: Ignore our medical advice. It is terrible and we are not trained doctors.
Dear Doctor Moron. Recently I have been eating 12 jars a day of jam to fend off my concerns about scurvy. This has been successful, as there's no sign of scurvy. However, I'm generally finding myself suffering from side-effects including: - Extreme hyperactivity - Vomiting - Headaches - Irritability - Fatigue - Jitteriness - Frothing at the mouth Is it possible the jam is giving me rabies? Or is it something else. I refuse to accept jam is responsible for this as it's so tasty and I don't have scurvy. So, what's going on? Yours, Robert
Hi, Bob. There aren’t any strict measurements on the appropriate amount of jam that’s safe to eat, but you should aim to ensure you don’t consume an amount that’ll kill you.
12 jars appears to be pushing it a bit. And you’re obviously suffering from sugar withdrawal, although you may also have rabies. Do you consider yourself to have cerebral dysfunction? If so, you may have been bitten by a stray bat at some point
Regardless, jam is also an issue here. And death by jam is one of the worst fates any human being can suffer.
As such, keep your jam intake to no more than one jar a day.
Above that, you’ll risk succumbing to death by jam, which is a bit like that film The Fly with Jeff Goldblum. It goes like this:
- The jam begins to clog your innards, causing stomach cramps and the vomiting of conserve.
- Stomach cramps advance considerably, leading to indigestion and exclamations such as, “Oh… bloody hell!“
- Jam spreads to the brain and leads to sugar intoxication.
- Delirium, mania, and psychosis rapidly set in.
- The patient starts to believe they are a jar of jam and heads to their nearest supermarket, where they install themselves on the jam jar aisle.
- The patient spends the rest of their life on the jam jar aisle, confused as to why customers don’t purchase them to spread liberally on toast.
It’s a sad, sad state of affairs and one you want to avoid, Bob.
As such, we recommend a prescription course of jellied eels and aspic to wean you off the sugar overdose you’re currently raging through.
Sugar withdrawal includes craving for sugar and the desire to punch everyone you meet in the face, but within three days you’d be over that.
Dig deep with your willpower, Bob, to take a bright step into the future where you can be free from jam and enjoy stuff like bourbon biscuits instead. That’s entertainment.