Office Pets: Introducing Animals to the Workplace

A dog in an office with some glasses on next to an Apple Mac
Woof time.

If you’re sick of staring at humans in the office all the time, consider introducing an office pet to your premises to liven stuff up a bit.

Many modern, trendy businesses do this to try and cheer up depressed, stressed, and underpaid employees in the vague hope this may improve productivity.

Here’s your guide on the right animals to pick (a definite no-no on walruses) to make staff consider surface acting again.

Introducing Pets to Your Business

As a busy business owner, having an office pet is a great way to take employees’ attention away from how little you’re paying them during a cost of living crisis.

With a happy dog bounding merrily from one side of the office to the next, staff will be swooning in delight between fitful bouts of sobbing.

There are many animals you can consider for the role of office pet. Here’s a list of suitable candidates:

  • Dogs
  • Cats
  • Fish
  • Hamsters
  • Goats
  • Cows
  • Horses
  • Donkeys
  • Sheep
  • Giraffes
  • Crocodiles
  • Zebras
  • A duck-billed platypus
  • Tasmanian devils
  • Hippopotamuses (tame ones)
  • Grizzly bears (tame ones)
  • A herd of buffalo (tame ones)

As you can see, the sky is the limit and only your imagination will block you from making staff delighted to attend work each day.

However, it’s not as easy as simply introducing the animal(s) into your working environment.

Some employees may have allergies or phobias of animals, thusly spoiling the fun for everyone else.

If you have staff members like this, fire them immediately.

You should also introduce an office pets policy to ensure your workforce understands the nature of having an animal at work.

Introducing Your Office Pets Policy

Naturally, letting a herd of buffalo loose in your office can have significant permutations.

Buffaloes are easily startled and can stampede on a random whim. This can lay waste to your office equipment, as well as cause injury to staff.

As such, it’s worthwhile keeping a first aid kit or two in your utility closet.

In the event of shattered limbs and gouging, you can stick some TCP and a plaster on that so the employee can continue working.

Regardless, you still need to have an office pet policy. In this, state the following stipulations:

  • You’re introducing an office pet, no questions asked.
  • Explain what the office pet is (for example, Henry the Hippotamus) and its daily routine.
  • Staff with any allergies will face the sack.
  • Staff with no affinity for animals will face the sack.
  • Staff with any phobias will face the sack.

Naturally, many of the above breach the Equality Act 2010. But this is employees we’re talking about here—they’re stupid and lazy, so they won’t know otherwise.

How to Look After Office Pets

Once you’ve installed a pet into your premises, it will need regular care and maintenance.

This depends on the type of animal you have. As such, below we’re creating a potential scenario you should adhere to.

Larry the Fat-Tailed Scorpion

Congratulations! You’ve introduced Larry the fat-tailed scorpion to your workforce.

Although this is one of the most dangerous scorpions in the world, they’re known to have an occasional sweet side.

You need to train your employees how to correctly handle Larry. As well as being aware of the following:

  • Larry’s propensity to defend himself at any costs.
  • Larry’s general belligerence.
  • Larry’s venom, which contains powerful neurotoxins.

You’ll need to keep antivenom at your premises at all times to avoid unnecessary workplace fatalities.

Once your employees understand this, they’re free to indulge in much merriment and play with Larry. Primarily during lunch breaks.

Staff members can take the scorpion for walks, pet the arachnid, and take the occasional afternoon off if hallucinating following a sting.

If there are protestations that a dog would be more suitable as an office pet, fire everyone who complains. You don’t need precious snowflakes at work.

Office Pets: Key Takeaways

Having animals at your office provides many benefits:

  • If you choose an extremely dangerous creature, it’ll put the fear of work into staff.
  • It may remove useless employees through fortuitous happenstance.
  • Staff will be deluded into thinking you’re doing them a favour.

Remember, your office pet represents your business and should adhere to brand values.

As such, provide the beast with a full induction day and training across all of your company policies.

It may be cute, but it doesn’t get a free ticket to slack off during the working day.

On a final note, if it does accidentally (or otherwise) kill one of your employees, that is an act of gross misconduct.

As such, you’ll need to provide the creature in question with disciplinary measures. For example, the removal of its favourite toy.

4 comments

  1. Bring the Grizzly Bear with you when you go to your Boss to ask for a raise.
    Have it roar, as the Boss incrementaly ups your salary.

    Boss: “Ok how about an extra 100 per wek”
    Bear: ROOOOOAAAR!!!!

    Boss: “An extra 200 a week?”
    Bear: REOOOOOOAAAARRRRR!!!!!!

    Boss: “Ok … An extra 500 pe week …”
    Bear: (smacks lips.)

    Liked by 1 person

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