Noses are important for many things in daily life, such as generating vast amounts of nose hair for no real reason.

And for storing bogeys so you can flick them about at work.

But other times your nose will embrace its far left failings and expend with communist propaganda straight from a nostril. How do you control this? Let’s find out!

Controlling Nosebleeds & Communism

Please note: Our medical “advice” is appalling and you must ignore it.

Dear Doctor Moron. Of late, I'm having all sorts of problems with my nose. Blood keeps coming out of one or both nostrils (a process I had to Google and it turns out this is likely a brain haemorrhage, acute radiation sickness, or a "nosebleed") and it's very irritating. 

Also, my nose turns red on cold days and I'm worried women will find this unattractive. Especially if it starts flooding with blood on top of the red nose, that's just a bit gross.

So I need nose-based advice. To stop the nosebleeds and to make my nose much more attractive. Like Cleopatra, who famously had a very beautiful nose. It's ESSENTIAL my nose reaches such heights of beauty as I'm 25 and still not married and I don't have kids yet.

The biological clock is ticking and I'm starting to panic. I wake up at night in cold sweats, often screaming as well due to nosebleed-based nightmares. My dreams are flooded with blood, big noses, red noses, and nosebleeds. This has to end! I WANT MY LIFE BACK! Yours, Craig

Hi Craig! Nosebleeds are usually nothing to worry about, unless you’re reading leftist newspapers or if you’ve been within a 10-mile radius of The Communist Manifesto.

If that’s the case, then signs and symptoms will include:

• Nosebleeds.
• An increasingly red hue about your person.
• Spouting of leftist propaganda.
• Making mindless criticisms of capitalism that NATURALLY don’t make any sense.
• Wanting to date women with dyed purple hair who are feminist vegans.

It seems you’re ticking off many red flags on the above list, in which case you’ll need an emergency lobotomy.

Please book in a session at the Dr. Moron clinic.

Once you arrive, Dr. Moron will cleave open your skull on the spot with a chainsaw. Psychosurgery will then commence with the severing of nerves in the brain’s prefrontal cortex.

Should you regain consciousness after this operation, you’ll be provided with a shot of brandy, a pat on the back, and you’ll be sent back out into society.

Over the next week, if the lobotomy was successful, you should find yourself:

• No longer suffering from nosebleeds (unless someone punches you in the face).
• Muttering “back in my day” at the start of 90% of your sentences.
• Blaming everything wrong with society on leftists and immigration.
• Buying, and worshipping, The Daily Mail.

As for making your nose more attractive… well, that’d be a non-issue!

What’s more attractive to a woman than a blockheaded obstinate clinging desperately to anachronistic and irrelevant ideologies? Nothing!

Unless you come across lefty vegan feminists with purple dyed hair. They’ll take umbrage with your stance.

But just ignore them. They’re university educated and stupid, whereas you’re from the university of LIFE as provided by tabloids and beer.

Forget about your nose, Craig, and focus on growing a magnificent beer belly that’ll leave the babes in awe at your manliness. Best of luck!