Welcome to Bombastic Brian’s Resplendent Bingo Bonanza, the ONLY bingo company in the world run by a verbose, turgid, and highfalutin CEO.
That’s me… Brian! The most self-aware, ostentatious, and disputatious prone bingo fan since the cessation of non-existence presupposed existence.
Therefore, and hence, you most hasten to our establishment to indulge in jollification on the scale normally reserved for instances that go beyond normal life.
Bombastic Brian’s Bingo Rules
Do note, before “fun” is entertained in any sense you must adhere to our rules and regulations.
There’s a long list of RULES we have at Bombastic Brian’s Resplendent Bingo Bonanza and if you do not follow OUR RULES we will get angry! We’re very pompous like that!
Some of OUR RULES during bingo sessions include:
- No leftists.
- No centrists.
- Telegraph readers only.
- No mother in laws (they just get in the way).
- Be of decent intelligence (IQ above 80, you will need to provide proof of this at the door).
- Must have a longstanding history of voting Conservative.
- Must be able to quote one line from Shakespeare’s innumerable plays (not permitting Exit, pursued by a bear).
- Extra points if your bombast is of considerable and unbearable verve.
Prior to attending our establishment, you must sign Bombastic Brian’s Fun & Legality Waiver. Otherwise, you shall not enter the bingo room and you SHALL NOT indulge in bingo!
Upon passing the above jurisdictions, you may enter the bingo hall and indulge in what is commonly referred to as “fun”.
However, Bombastic Brian’s Resplendent Bingo Bonanza quantifies “fun” under a qualitative and quantitative thesis known as Bombastic Brian’s Resplendent Bingo Bonanza Gratification Standard. On page 135 of 654, it states verbatim:
“Fun is defined within Bombastic Brian’s Resplendent Bingo Bonanza establishment as any activity that leads to veneration within a socioeconomic consideration pertaining to the agents of socialisation and the anomie of inebriated women bellowing ‘Bingo!’ by inadvertently calculating the incorrect numbers.”
Do note, any inebriated women miscalculating their numbers and shouting “Bingo!” will be ejected from the premises. Permanently!
Bingo as a Reductionistic Means to Qualia
“The calculative exactness of practical life which the money economy has brought about corresponds to the ideal of natural science: to transform the world by mathematical formulas. Only money economy has filled the days of so many people with weighing, calculating, with numerical determinations, with a reduction of qualitative values to quantitative ones.” Georg Simmel, The Sociology of Georg Simmel
Indeed, for the Act of “bingo” relates to the refrain, and repose, of the inner monologue that defines our equitable preference for animadversions, expeditious hebdomadary, and promulgation of “fun” (by nascent, the equivocation of reimbursement through the meandering form of exterior pleasantries).
As such, it is a fiscal requirement you hasten down to this Bingo Bonanza and indulge in the pastime of probability.
Arbitrary, capricious fate… it doth make me think of that aphorism from Margaret Thatcher (the greatest Prime Minister this country hath beholden):
“If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.”
And that is why women are charged £60 per entry, whereas men are charged £50 per entry.
Due to longstanding social norms and Conservative traditions favouring the superiority of the male specimen for which I, Bombastic Brian, am unapologetic. And somewhat apoplectic! As wit is my forte. Indeed.
Editors Note: After the publication of this sponsored post by Bombastic Brian’s Resplendent Bingo Bonanza, the establishment has closed down due to a lack of income and due to Bombastic Brian’s long history of corruption resulting in a lengthy prison sentence.
Bombastic Brian has since contracted scurvy as he believes vitamin C to be a “socialistic enterprise” peddled by “the left”. He eventually agreed to drink a Lemsip.