Agony Aunt: “My husband never does nice things to surprise me!”

A woman screaming in terror - or surprise
She’s either happy… or she just trod on a rusty nail.

There’s a lot of pressure on married human males. They must provide their human female compatriot (the “wife”) with love, affection, and gangrene (on certain occasions, such as life-or-death situations).

Alongside thinking up enlightening date ideas, they must also SURPRISE the human female compatriot with goods. This can be confusing for the human male as he/she struggles to comprehend the need to think beyond themselves.

Such as today’s gentleman, who isn’t one for grand gestures. Or gangrene.

Men and Surprises: A Dish Best Not Served

Bonjour! Je m'appelle Claude. J'ai besoin de tante d'agonie, s'il vous plaît. Maintenant! Merci, Claude

Hi Claude. We’re not sure what that weird language is you’re speaking… Welsh, maybe.

Thankfully, your idiotic wife contacted us after your email to explain you’ve been continuously emotionally distant and redundant with romantic gestures.

Dear agony aunt. My French husband, Claude, is a prick! I'm sick of him! He's from Nantes and just spends all his time speaking French these days and I've no idea what he's saying. I married him because of his money and looks, not to listen to him jabber in that weird way he's doing. I have NO IDEA what he's saying! The only word I know in French is "merde" and so I just keep shouting that at him. 

My main beef is he doesn't do ANYTHING to surprise! He just watches TV and drinks Pernod!

This is my life now. I yell "MERDE!" at him. He yells "Salope!" at me.

I think he's going for "scallops" but his Pernod addled brain can't let him form the words. Whatever. I'm sick of this! I MARRIED A FRENCH MAN I WANTED GRAND ROMANTIC GESTURES! Where are they?! How do I get them out of him? Thank you, Morag

Hi there, Morag! Oh okay, that’s French he was speaking? Are you sure it wasn’t Welsh? Whatever, the idea French men are more prone to romance is a stereotype.

For example, consider France. Does it look romantic from space? Does it have a bouquet of flowers protruding from it? Does it smell of roses?

No. In space, no one can hear you scream (Alien, 1979, reference). Although nothing quite says “romance” like having one of those facehugger things attached to your skull.

That’s not to say French people will burst out of your chest at any given moment! Or that it’s a bad thing.

Our suggestion is, to keep your marriage exciting, contact Ellen Ripley about one of these things. Here’s some documented romantic footage in the historical drama Aliens (1986).

Right, you see that facehugger thing? See how enthusiastic it is to kiss Sigourney Weaver’s lovely face? You need a husband like that.

Enthusiasm is greatly underappreciated in marriages.

Sure, you could misinterpret that facehugger’s enthusiasm as psychotic, parasitical species enhancement (the wanton screaming and gunfire would suggest so). But doesn’t that, ultimately, sum up marriage?

Remember, you’re wedded to your other so you can, ultimately, scream abuse at each other. That’s one of the great surprises of marriage (or something).

Anyway, we’ve run out of advice for now (as we’re on a charging metre) and will conclude with the following points:

  1. Morag is a horrible name.
  2. Surprises are only surprising if they surprises you.
  3. Aliens are real.
    1. We know because we’re typing this with a facehugger, Bob, attached to our face. He runs a business called Facehuggers ‘R’ Us and he likes golf, fine wines, and erupting violently from people’s chests.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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