From time to time, you may discover there’s a poltergeist in your working environment.
As is analogous to hippopotamuses at work, these supernatural beings can cause considerable disturbances.
With a poltergeist on your property, you’ll soon find employees hauled through mid-air, hurled down corridors, and thrown from open windows. This can be bad for productivity and lead to a toxic work environment.
As such, you should read this guide to discover the most cost-effective Ouija board to purchase, which verses of the Bible to consult, and how to arrange a pentangle of salt.
Poltergeists and the Key Employment Laws
The Poltergeists at Work Act 1974 is the key piece of employment legislation to refer to in the event of a haunting.
Section 37 (c) on page 2,456 states, verbatim:
“At the first hint of an employee being flung bodily across a room by an invisible entity, crashing violently through a glass doorway in the process, you should begin an investigation into what has occurred.
During the course of this investigation, your investigator may determine your business is being haunted by a poltergeist.
Resist the immediate urge to lose your shit and panic—you are the business owner. You are vastly superior to everyone else and must remain cool to set an example.
However, if the poltergeist at some stage seizes your person and hurls you across the room, you are free to foul your pants and scream, ‘I WANT MY MUMMY!’ Your employees will not judge you harshly for this development.”
The Haunted Workplaces Act 1972 provides further elucidation on the matter:
“Hauntings are a direct breach of local governmental laws; it constitutes trespassing, harassment, disturbing the peace, and is a general annoyance.
As such, the first course of action is to stipulate in your company handbook that poltergeists are banned from your premises. This legalese should be strongly worded and discourage hauntings, which is often enough to deter wayward spirits.”
However, some “wayward spirts” are more obstinate than others and will still insist on haunting your business.
As such, you’ll need to take steps to obliterate its being from your working environment.
How to Rid a Poltergeist From Your Office
Under The Poltergeists at Work Act 1974, it’s your duty of care as an employer to ensure no supernatural beings terrorise employees.
As such, you need a strategy to get rid of your poltergeist.
The first step is to post the below Bible verse around your working environment. The presence of this verse will make your poltergeist quake in terror:
“Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, ‘Go up, you bald head! Go up, you bald head!’ So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the Lord. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.” Kings 2:23
It’s not clear why poltergeists have such an issue with this particular verse.
However, parapsychologists believe it’s due to poltergeist being the spirits of bitter old men. Most of whom were bald or balding. Suitably enraged by this development, they haunt locations, but become distressed upon Godly reminders of their baldness.
Do note, for any men also planning to terrorise businesses through haunting upon their passing, read this guide to going bald gracefully.
And lo, YOU SHALL NOT call upon the form of two female bears to maul your former colleagues. That is the spirit of teamwork and professionalism. Exit, pursued by a bear.
After your Bible verses are installed on your premises, next you should hold daily vigils and prayers to beseech the poltergeist. You must:
- Create several pentangles of salt in key working areas, including the toilets.
- Purchase an Ouija board, or make one with pen and paper. Attempt to converse with the poltergeist through this contraption.
- Please note, poltergeists tend to be potty-mouthed and all you’ll likely receive in response are a batch of petty obscenities.
- Hold team flagellation sessions daily, where employees shall mercilessly flog themselves with leather whips.
- Chant wildly with lines such as, “Oh, great and evil poltergeist, vacate the property post haste!” And just wail and moan in a distorted fashion.
- Sacrifice an employee on the company’s photocopier—this ritual will likely slake the supernatural being’s bloodthirsty anger. We suggest using your janitor. They’re easily replaced.
However, if the above doesn’t work then you’ll likely have to perform an exorcism at some point.
That’s a real pain in the arse, we know, but once you’ve mopped up all the green vomit afterwards and the poltergeist is officially banished to Hell, you’re golden.
The sky is the limit—more revenue, lower churn rates, and more loyal customers.
Keeping Those Evil Spirits at Bay
Nothing empowers your brand more than successfully ridding evil spirits from your premises. It’s an excellent PR boost.
However, do remember you’ll need to impale your janitor’s skull onto a pike outside your front gate. This will continue to ward off further poltergeist hauntings.
This is mandatory under The Poltergeists at Work Act 1974. Section 38 (b) on page 2,656 states, verbatim:
“Although it will be a quite grotesque visage that will terrify your guests, clients, and customers, the skull must be impaled directly onto the pike with the tip of the spike emanating from the janitor’s skull.
The janitor’s mortified expression must be clearly visible and facing directly towards those approaching your premises.
Additionally, the skull must remain outside your business indefinitely. For as long as you do not want further hauntings, this must be so.
The only alternative is to move premises, which is costly and will affect your overinflated annual bonus on your already overly inflated CEO income. Do you want that $40 million superyacht or not? Exactly. The skull stays!”
Do note, you’ll need to hire a new janitor after sacrificing your previous one.
This replacement may be mildly disturbed by the fate of his predecessor. Boost his confidence by saying things such as, “Don’t worry, it probably won’t happen again!”
However, include a clause in the janitor’s contract of employment stating that, if it does happen again, they’ll also need to be sacrificed in the name of company profits.