Hello I’m Laura I’m 10 and this is my first lemonade stand. Daddy built it, but he was hungover so it’s built at a really funny angle.
This means my first business is called Laura’s Lopsided Lemonade Stand, so don’t be a big old meanie fuddy-duddy! Come and buy some lemonade! Cross your heart (and hope to die)!
Also, I’m legally obliged to inform you that the lemonade contains traces of rat poison. That’s because daddy said I should, “Throw rat poison on everything so there aren’t no rats on your lemonade stand! Ever heard of a successful business with rats everywhere?!”
I love daddy, he’s so smart and knows everything about everything! And he also helped me write my first business slogan here it is have a look!
Buy My Lemonade, Or You’ll Need Some First Aid
Daddy said I should threaten “Venus bodily harm” to my customers to make them buy MY lemonade.
So I hired the school bully, Dennis, and he stands next to my lemonade stand and threatens people to buy my lemonade. If they don’t he then beats them up. That’s the “Venus bodily harm” bit, daddy says.
I got my teeny weeny stand outside mummy and daddy’s house and we’re open from 9am to 5pm. Daddy said I should work longer hours like “back in my day” and not stop until I’m a gazmillionaire.
But my tootsies start to hurt by 12 and sometimes I have an ups-a-daisy and spill some lemonade because I’m all sleepyhead.
Then one day my friend Kevin’s daddy who’s big and scary came up to the lemonade stand and Dennis ran off all scared and I got scaredy-cat too.
He was shouting and yelling because Kevin got a black eye and bruised ribs when shopping at my lemonade stand.
Also, he said my lemonade was “really yukky” and then I got angry and called Kevin’s daddy a “nincompoop!” and he shouted at me, “Young lady! Mind your manners!” And I kicked his shins, the big old meanie doo doo head!
Kevin’s daddy got really, really angry and said some big words I didn’t understand and then he went over to MY lemonade stand and was poking around and he found the rat poison and he picked it up and was staring at it really, really angry like a big silly billy.
“It’s just rat poison, Kevin’s daddy!” I said, but he got his phone out like a big stupid and said, “I’m calling the police!”
Then I remembered what daddy said, “Remember, you’re the boss. You don’t take no shit from no one. Especially if they try to call the cops! Y’hear?!”
So I started screaming at Kevin’s daddy, “Mister Kevin’s daddy, that is off customer limits!” I skipped over to Kevin’s daddy and started slapping at him with my hands.
Daddy then came outside and he was quite oopsie and had a beer bottle and he threw it at Kevin’s daddy who got really, really angry about everything and they were both really angry and now they’re both in hospital. I think daddy’s done his ankle in or something and he has a big black eye like a gobstopper. It’s pretty icky.
Anyway daddy said I should go back and look after the lemonade stand so I did and Dennis is back and he keeps hitting kids it’s great. I made $50 today! I’ll be a gazmillionaire super soon!
The Future of Laura’s Lopsided Lemonade Stand
It’s so unfair! Mummy found out about my lemonade stand and is REALLY, REALLY angry! She threatened to shut my business down and ground me!
My 30 minute screaming fit didn’t even stop her! She just kept saying, “Young lady! Cut that out this instant or you’ll be grounded for good!”
I’m no scaredy-cat, so I said, “You are not invited to my birthday party!” And my mummy gave me this angry look like the big dumb-dumb she is!
She was really, really angry and now she has taken me to court at the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York!
I got this really funny worded letter and the legal case is called: Laura’s Lopsided Lemonade Stand, Inc. v. Laura’s Angry Mummy Co., Ltd.
Mummy says if I lose the case I could face a maximum penalty of three months grounded! She’s such a meanie!
Daddy told me to prepare my own defence so it’s not expensive like hiring a lawyer. So I wrote this and this is my defence:
“My mummy is a mean old stupid features poohead!”
I will defeat my mummy in court and my business will continue on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.