Geese at Work: How to Manage Mild Peril, Honking, & Poo

Geese at work promote mild peril and honking
Indeed.

If you live in a region where geese are commonplace, you may well find your workplace inundated with applications from the large white birds with a long neck, short legs, and belligerent nature.

However, before considering hiring a goose employers are encouraged to play the noteworthy Untitled Goose Game to gain a greater understanding on the nature of geese.

You should also study this guide to understand the level of mild peril you’ll unleash into your workplace upon hiring a white feathery honking monstrosity.

Employment Laws Regarding Geese in the Workplace

The Geese at Work Act 1974 is the legislation controlling employment laws and geese. In section 12 (A) on page 345, paragraph 17, it states:

“Employers are encouraged to employ geese, but only after consideration of the following caveats:

a) Geese are outliers in any working environment. This is because they are birds.

b) Your geese employees will defecate with wild abandon across your property. You must be either okay with this, or have a janitor on hand to clear up the mess.

c) Geese have short attention spans and can only work for limited periods of time. They are absolute geniuses when they are focussed on the job, but the rest of the time they will wander about the place, honk, and will occasionally attack your human employees.

However, geese are a welcome and productive addition to any workforce. Just be wary of the mild peril they bring with them upon commencement of their employment.”

Do note—whilst it’s legal to employ geese, it isn’t legal to employ ducks.

This is because the duck’s onomatopoeic “quack” pronouncement will causes your human employees to replicate the aforementioned noise, generally in the belief it’s hilarious and good fun.

It’s not unheard of for entire businesses to debase themselves to the point of walking around all day announcing “Quack!” to colleagues, clients, and customers.

This can tank productivity and even lead to the collapse of your entire business. As such, hiring ducks is banned under The Cessation on Hiring Ducks at Work (Miscellaneous) Act 1992.

The Common Roles For Geese at Work

Geese are versatile employees with a wide-ranging skillset. Employers often hire them for important roles such as:

  • Accounting
  • Digital marketing (often in copywriting or web design roles)
  • Office secretary
  • Call centre specialists
  • Frozen pea testers
  • Lift operators
  • Tour guide operators
  • Canal guards
  • Cashiers

It’s most common for geese to work in office environments and enclosed spaces, otherwise they have a habit of flying off at will to hang out near large expanses of water.

You should include a clause in your contract of employment with a goose that flying off like that isn’t allowed. This should read along the lines of:

“During your day-to-day tasks, you are not permitted to take off and leave the premises beyond a perimeter radius of half a mile. Should you exceed beyond this radius, you will face the appropriate punishment measures. In short, it is fine to flap your wings if you need a bit of a stretch—or to take off for short bursts of essential exercise. Just do not clear off to some lake several miles away.”

Generally, so long as there’s a roof over your premises this should prevent the matter from occurring. But if the goose does fly off, it’s breaching your contract and you can either:

  • Sue the goose
  • Commence a disciplinary hearing

Geese are notoriously difficult to sue, however, due to their inattentiveness. They also have little money, so they wouldn’t be able to pay damages or anything.

As such, it’s wise to ensure you hire a good goose so it doesn’t do anything too disruptive. Perform a thorough background check on any goose you’re looking to hire, this will unearth its prior history and whether the bird has a dark and mysterious past.

Working With Geese: The Ups & Downs of Goose-Based Employees

As with hippopotamuses at work, geese can be brilliant employees. They excel at tasks involving pecking at things and honking.

Geese are particularly effective as copywriters, often desiring to add “HONK!” into copy for dramatic effect. This has been proven to drive sales and lower churn rates amongst the goose-based customer demographic.

But it’s worth noting their often unusual behaviour traits. These include:

  • Hissing aggressively when feeling threatened
  • Pecking at things (people, office furniture etc.) arbitrarily
  • Honking constantly throughout the working day
  • Attacking human colleagues arbitrarily by launching at them, honking, and flapping their massive wings
  • As previously indicated, having the urge to take off to hang out by a lake
  • Defecating everywhere

Your human employees may find the relentless honking and defecating of considerable irritation, to the extent they make a complaint to management.

It’s your duty of care as an employer to take such complaints seriously.

You should conduct an investigation into the complaint and, if necessary, hold a hearing between the complaint instigator and the goose in question. Ensure there’s a mediator present to hear both sides of the story.

Do note, it’s common for geese to become agitated in such scenarios as they feel threatened.

The goose in question may well attack the complaint instigator on sight by launching at him/her whilst hissing, honking, and flapping its massive wings.

The mediator must remind the goose its behaviour constitutes an act of gross misconduct, for which it’ll face further disciplinary action.

Do note, the goose may become threatened by this reminder and then attack the mediator by launching at him/her whilst hissing, honking, and flapping its massive wings.

In the event of this development, it may be worthwhile calling the police.

9 comments

  1. When I was a lad in the nineties, workplace geese were definitely a thing. Apparently staff were meant to behave like geese do when flying in formation. I think the idea came out of a Saatchi & Saatchi ‘office morale boosting’ campaign, designed to validate worker submission to executive power, but I couldn’t see the point myself, I mean, hurtling about the office flapping arms, making honking noises, and randomly defecating on any available surface didn’t get much work done.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Most meetings I’ve ever attended would have been just as effective if everyone sat there honking. I think I’ve had one genuinely useful meeting my whole life. Maybe a bit less.

      A pet office goose would certainly liven up your average day at work, though.

      Liked by 1 person

      • One useful work meeting? One? Tell me more about this odd experience. The useful aspect wasn’t due to the secret Toad And Snail Denizens of Europa, was it, the ones who are otherwise here to deceive humanity into abandoning French cuisine, except for any goose recipe? Asking, obviously, for a friend…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I used to work at a building whose grounds were inundated with geese. One day, a friend was driving past and noticed one that had been hit by a car but wasn’t dead, still flapping by the side of the road. She pulled over, walked over to the goose and wrung it’s neck. Sorry to leave a loosely related story in the comments. The event has left an indelible mark on my psyche. However, if you’re going to hire geese, you might also want to have someone on staff willing to perform such a maneuver when one gets out of line.

    Liked by 1 person

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