Whether you want to visit Jupiter or you’ve had a sad turn so you’re on Saturn, tourism across time and space is ever popular.
Sadly, travelling aliens visiting Earth often want to take a memento back to their home planet. This leads to alien abductions in the name of holidaying.
Whilst a sad state of affairs, it also provides fascinating insights into alien worlds from those lucky enough to survive the endeavour, return home, and tell their true story.
The Alien Abductee: Henry Smith, 53, Blackpool of Lancashire
Henry Smith is a 53 year old plumber from Blackpool of Lancashire. His hobbies include football, playing golf, and yodelling.
On January 22nd, 2022, he was engaging in a bout of yodelling on Blackpool Pleasure Beach when a small crowd of aliens meandered over to him. Mr. Smith told us:
“They were all about three feet tall and had big heads and massive eyeballs. They stood there staring at me taking pictures with them disposable cameras you can get. I said, ‘Can I help you?’ and that triggered them off, they started chattering in this distorted high-pitched squeal and jumping up and down. I stopped yodelling at that point, but that just seemed to enrage them. They threw themselves on me and I don’t remember much else after that.”
Mr. Smith said he came to hours later and was on the alien’s spaceship. One of the aliens, who spoke a smattering of English, came over to him. Mr Smith told us:
“The alien said he was called Sir Sigourney Weaver and that I should address him as such, but I didn’t believe him. He didn’t look like Sigourney Weaver at all. She’s really tall and good looking, whereas this alien is about three feet, squat, and ugly. Plus, Sigourney Weaver hasn’t been knighted. So none of that was stacking up on a logical front, to be honest.”
Tactfully, Mr. Smith decided to play the alien’s game and kowtow to its demands.
Sir Sigourney Weaver then explained to Mr. Smith he and his alien family were on a permanent holiday as this is how his species operates.
They must tour the Universe taking pictures and gawping at the sights, before returning home to share their pictures with their family members, friends, and enemies.
Mr. Smith was taken from Earth as a souvenir. The aliens took 77,564 pictures of him in the course of three weeks.
During that time, they toured him across several galaxies and demanded he pose with them for thousands of photographs. He said:
“It were exhausting! And they kept doing the same thing, just pointing at big mountains and next to landmarks like Jupiter’s Great Red Spot. I got a terrible dose of radiation from that alone and all my skin peeled off. The aliens thought that was hilarious and took loads of pictures while I just lay there frothing at the mouth. They didn’t seem to have much compassion, really.”
Mr. Smith went on to note how bored he was during the trip. And when they returned to the home planet, the aliens demanded he (minus any sleep) look through the pictures they’d taken on their travels.
Out of British politeness, Mr. Smith heroically endured until several weeks in.
However, he then politely requested he be returned home. He said:
“Sir Sigourney Weaver looked really offended by that and the aliens stopped chattering. He didn’t say another word to me, they just called a space cab and it took me back to Earth. The journey took a month. The fare was three space weevils. I told the space taxi driver I didn’t have no space weevils and he got his space laser and threatened to gun me down unless I pay. So I gave him my shoes and he seemed to mistake them for space weevils and was quite happy by how big they were. He ate them there and then. Then I went home and went to bed.”
Once he woke up, Mr. Smith penned a “strongly worded letter” to Sigourney Weaver complaining about what had happened.
At the time of going to press, Mrs. Weaver has not responded to any of the allegations.
Type of Aliens
These aliens are stout and diminutive, plus excitable and irritating. They’re obsessed with tourism and it appears their entire species survives by taking a perpetual holiday.
We believe tourism is their lifeblood. Without it, they would cease to be.
As such, should this alien species ever pose a threat to humanity a sound way of winning the war would be to create a cessation on tourism on Earth.
We suggest hiking taxes and hotel prices to make the experience here far less salubrious.
Alien Threat Level Rating
From the point of view of a boredom threshold, the aliens are almost impossibly insipid and unstimulating.
As such, the threat they pose is to the sanity of anyone unlucky enough to be subjected to their holiday photos.
Alien Abduction Experience
Mr. Smith dubbed the experience as “boring” and even said it’s put him off taking his holidays later in 2022.
We must hope this alien species doesn’t commit mass abductions, otherwise Earth’s tourism industry will take a financial battering this fiscal year.
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
Mr. Smith’s account moved us greatly and we burst into tears on several occasions during his story. This annoyed Mr. Smith greatly and he asked us to stop. Repeatedly. But that just made us increasingly emotional.
That aside, we believe Mr. Smith is telling the truth and this is further evidence of how aliens populate the Universe.
But the GOVERNMENT and SIGOURNEY WEAVER are keeping the TRUTH away from us.
Don’t be deterred, believers, as the aliens are out there. And they want to show you there holiday snaps. Be very afraid!