July 4, 2022Mr. Wapojif

Crustless Sandwiches at Work: Laws For No Crusts With Bread

Crustless sandwiches aren't evil

When you run a business, it’s important to remember your employees need to eat food. If they don’t, they’ll become listless and fatigued. This will cost you money.

As such, “lunch breaks” ensure your staff consume food and can keep on working to a standard that makes you increasingly rich. You reward them for this with a barely liveable income.

However, some employees eat sandwiches. Yet some will eat sandwiches with the crusts removed. This is a contentious issue in the workplace and one we’ve addressed today in this detailed guide.

Employment Laws Regarding Sandwiches With No Crust

There are two employment laws legislating this issue. They are:

  • The Sandwiches at Work Act 1974
  • The Sandwiches With No Crusts On at Work Act 1974

The Sandwiches at Work Act 1974 states in section 12 (e) on page 2,431:

“It is legal to consume sandwiches in the workplace.”

Regarding The Sandwiches With No Crusts On at Work Act 1974, this  is where the legal definition is obfuscated. In section 12 (d) on page 2,430 it states:

“Sandwiches with crusts are pure and good.

Sandwiches WITHOUT crusts are the work of all that is bad. Slay anyone with no crusts. Take them to the altar of all that is bad and force upon their person leftover crusts discarded by time—do so until the person draws their final breath and is banished to the bowels of Hell.”

It emerged in 1979 the individual responsible for writing the legislation was an occultist infatuated with Satan. This person would sacrifice a loaf of bread to the devil each night and secretly plotted to “destroy” anyone who removed crusts from sandwiches.

However, due to budgeting issues the Acts haven’t been updated since 1974. To this day, there’s confusion over the nature of sandwiches, crusts, and the workplace.

There are those who believe sandwiches with the crust removed is wrong. This is on a moral, spiritual, and philosophical level.

And do remember, the chip butty doesn’t constitute a sandwich. It’s a chip butty. Cucumber sandwiches, however, are a sandwich. And they’re typically eaten with the crusts removed.

Ultimately, it’s your duty of care as an employer to either allow, or banish, sandwiches without crusts from your working environment.

Why No Crusts is Controversial at Work

You may ask yourself, “What’s wrong with no crusts on sandwiches?” Well, it’s a great philosophical dilemma.

The legendary bread-based philosopher Sir Philip Loaf postulated in his 1812 essay On Sandwiches and Bread:

“One must not avoid the amelioration pertaining to the emendations perpetrated upon bread. Expediency demands crusts of no use; interment of the dough to the soul. Meliorative, mollify, and with infelicity one must avoid the perspicaciously nascent nature of sandwiches with no crusts. An impediment to optimality; revocation of this endeavour is sententious, yet wrong. Objectivity; subjectivity—the dough yields no concerns, yet it is the propinquity of sandwiches that supports the supercilious.”

No one really knows what he was banging on about, but the message is clear—there’s probably something wrong with no crust sandwiches.

Indeed, records from 1756 show an entire office for an accounting company in Venice was cast out onto the street for asking for crusts removed from their sandwiches.

It is believed they never worked again. Some were even executed at the stake.

However, do note that executing your employees is now illegal. Even though it says on page 456 of The Sandwiches With No Crusts On at Work Act 1974:

“EXECUTE ALL WHO OPPOSE SANDWICHES WITH NO CRUSTS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!”

This provocative statement is offset by The Sandwiches at Work Act 1974’s more tepid reasoning on page 2,341:

“You should sit all of your employees together in a room and, over the course of an hour-long meeting, attempt to reach an amicable outcome between pro-no crust heathens and the normal people.

Ensure a mediator is in the room to offer balance and, if necessary, to separate colleagues engaged in a violent brawl.”

Whilst it’s legal to fire employees for holding crustless sandwich beliefs, do consider their performance as an employee before laying them off.

If they’re doing a really good job, it’s probably worthwhile keeping them on.

Just turn a blind eye to their beliefs and pretend they don’t hold them. Then, at special events like the Christmas do, have a few crustless sandwiches available to slake their psychotic passion.

Should Your Workplace Canteen Stock Crustless Sandwiches?

In short—no. That may seem like a draconian approach, but the reality is these types of sandwiches can lead to workplace rioting.

Unless, however, it’s cucumber sandwiches. Then that’s fine.

Ultimately, it’s your duty of care as an employer to favour the normal people. And people who don’t want crusts are abnormal.

That may sound cruel and, perhaps, a little anti-PC values. But once you’ve seen your livelihood burned to the ground by rampaging employees… all in the name of crustless sandwiches. Well, that’s when you’ll see sense.

44 comments

  1. Personally I don’t like to serve crust less bread. Though I have done so. Let’s face it , all the vitamins are in the crust. I know that’s so because my mom told me that. I always eat cucumber sandwiches with my pinky outstretched, it’s so chic.

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. I think ‘Olly has this covered in her comments.
    However, I feel I must add that you have never said anything about the heels… the part of the loaf that is all crust.
    I believe heel sandwiches are reserved for: dead beat dads, gangsters, guys that don’t call after the first date but said they would, internet scammers, pick pockets and carneys.

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Sandwiches with or without crusts, I’m easy either way.Rightly or wrongly, being a rough and ready council house guy, I always associate crustless sandwiches with posh people, I guess in England it’s a class thing. However, cucumber sandwiches are clearly a crime against the sandwich and should under no circumstances whatsoever be tolerated.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Dispense with some gibberish!

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