At Eric’s Enormous Electric Fans, we sell electric fans! AND THEY’RE ENORMOUS! Install these into your office to ensure your employees don’t die horribly in the summer heat!
Order today to keep the heatwave away!
Order by the 25th August to receive a COMPLETELY FREE installation booklet with your electric fan!*
*Disclaimer: Order after the 25th August 2022 and the installation booklet is at the retail price of £250. Installation fees also apply and range between £4,000-£10,000. Employees maimed or slain during the construction of the fans are not under Eric’s Enormous Electric Fans liability and will need replacing under your budget.
The Eric’s Enormous Fans Success Story
Our CEO, Eric, was horrified by the quality of electric fans.
“I’d be in work at my tedious nine-to-five job on a five figure wage like a pathetic loser and sheep in heatwaves feeling sweaty and gross. Then I had a moment of genius. ‘BIG FANS!’ I screamed. I quit my job immediately to head on my life’s mission.”
Eric spent the next 18 months studying electric fans to perfect his concept.
He lived in an electric fan warehouse to observe them closely in the wild, dressing up as an electric fan to avoid detection from CCTV and security guards.
“Electric fans in the wild are a lot different to when they’re in your office. They’re primitive and territorial, often attacking humans on-sight with their rapidly flapping fan blades. It’s a scary business and only the bravest do it.”
Despite suffering multiple severe lacerations to his arms, shoulders, and face, Eric battled on to document what makes electric fans tick.
“I realised if you make the fans supermassive they lack much of their manoeuvrability that makes them so dangerous. Grounded in one spot, they’ll no longer attack humans. They just sit and blast vast quantities of refreshing cool air onto your body. It is the greatest revelation in the history of the cooling people down a bit industry.”
All Eric needed next was investment from investors. Unable to convince anyone, he instead watched Dog Day Afternoon starring Al Pacino and promptly robbed a bank.
With a cool £800,000 in new investments, Eric legged it to Brazil to avoid arrest and incarceration. And there he setup Eric’s Enormous Electric Fans.
Erecting Eric’s Enormous Electric Fans
Eric’s Enormous Electric Fans disrupts the electric fan market with patented designs of up to 100ft tall. Unlike 100% of other electric fans, our fans are:
- Absolutely goddamn enormous.
- Dangerous to be around.
- Capable of generating wind velocity strong enough to fling a 6ft stocky male rugby player 10ft across a room.
- Constructed with a team of specialised builders (those ones who, when they bend over, their hairy butt cleavage shows).
Purchase your supermassive electric fan today and we’ll send a team of builders round to construct it. This process only takes three weeks!
Please note, you may need to evacuate your office on several days for the safety of your employees. Maybe give them a day off, or something?
The fan is typically built outside your main building and aimed into your office. It can oscillate 180° and will blast cool air at speeds of up to 400mph. Once it’s erected (lol), simply turn on the fan during inclement weather and watch as:
- Employees are sent sprawling across the floor like they’re in some disaster movie (think Twister from 1996 but gustier).
- Employees are flung bodily across the office, oftentimes being forcibly ejected through windowpanes.
- Office furniture is upended and sent blasting across the premises.
- Employees are obliterated by hyper-dangerous flying furniture.
- Everyone cools down a bit and can, therefore, work far more productively.
Banish those hot summer days where staff lounge around pretending to work!
Order from Eric’s Enormous Electric Fans to get your fan installed today (Disclaimer: Actually, in three weeks time) and have your workforce decimated by severe injury, comas, and death. All in the name of a few seconds of thinking, “Gee, that’s a nice cooling breeze!”