The love of your life is an obsidian sphere. You just don’t know it yet.
That’s why at Obsidian Spheres “R” Us, we’re on a global mission to install large orbs of dark, glasslike volcanic rock into EVERY living room.
We won’t rest until there’s one of these things jammed into wherever you may live. Why?! Because they cost $50,000 each and we want our goddamn money!
The Core Features of an Obsidian Sphere
After you’ve purchased the product (and we’re 100% certain your money is in our bank account), we’ll send some big and hairy delivery men around to your premises.
They’ll bulldoze down a wall and drag the sphere into your living room. There it shall remain for the rest of eternity.
Its dimensions are as follows—10ft by 10ft.
As the hottest product on the market, you can look forward to all of the following benefits an obsidian sphere brings to your familial life:
- Bleak, relentless nothingness from an object that is most certainly not sentient.
- Many stubbed toes when you momentarily forget about it and bump into the thing.
- The depressing reality the obsidian sphere will still be here in 1,000 years, remorseless in utterly void non-life, while you’ll be long gone and forgotten.
What better present for your kids this Christmas!? None whatsoever!
But if they’re pestering you for a PS5, tell them to shut the hell up and be grateful for whatever you bloody well buy them!
And at £50,000 a pop, you may well have to release equity from your home for this one. But it’ll be worth it! Because this is the ULTIMATE present!
The Joys of Obsidian Spheres
Obsidian spheres provide every family with moments of brilliance. Stare at it, pat it, drape a doily on it, and you’ll experience many emotions (in this order):
- Total and unequivocal joy
- Peace of mind
- A growing sense of uncertainty
- Unease about the orb’s stoic indifference
- An existential crisis
- Heavy drinking to overcome the orb’s nightmarish presence
- Attempts to sell your home and move to orb-free residences
- A total mental breakdown and the collapse of your family unit
“Why the bloody hell would I want that!?” You may well enquire. Well, stupid, we’ve already told you why—because we want your money!
So, hop to it and get the coolest gadget of the moment! We’re going to milk this SOB for all its worth until consumers catch on to the total pointlessness of this endeavour.
By which time we’ll be stinking rich anyway and won’t give a toss. Hah!