Exclusive Santa Column: Father Christmas Hires an Orca

Santa is hiring an orca

Last week Santa was drunk, confused, and chaotic. This week, he’s got his act together and hired some new talent to get Christmas 2022 back on track. Don’t want those kids missing out on their PS5s, now!

Hiring an Orca

While drunk, I read an inspired article about hiring a great white shark. Also while drunk, I decided to rip-off that idea as my own and hire an orca (killer whale).

There are loads of them around the North Pole. Trouble is, they’re under the ice most of the time swimming about the place. I got my elves to fashion a sign and got one of them to swim out in the water and hold the job ad underneath the freezing waters. It read:

“Help wanted! Orca to join Santa’s factory for the Christmas 2022 push. Must have at least some experience of being an orca. Your duties are, but won’t be limited to:

  • Making Barbie dolls

Must be able to work well under pressure. Must be able to avoid slaughtering colleagues on a random whim.

Salary to be disclosed on the day you start.

Disclaimer: Santa IS NOT an equal rights employer. If you are pregnant, sod off. I am not here to fund your maternity leave!”

After 48 hours, an orca by the name of Clive emerged by the nearest ice bank to the factory, two miles out. Markus, my head elf, informed me in my quarters. I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, rushed outside the factory, leapt onto a bulldozer, and sped out to interview the orca.

What a charming fellow!

Although he did, initially, try to devour myself and Markus upon sight, I was prepared for that and threw him some tuna. After he’d devoured that, we began the interview. I asked pertinent questions such as:

  • “Are you an orca?”
  • “Have you always been an orca?”
  • “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
  • “What first attracted you to this role?”
  • “You’re not going to fuck off with maternity leave, are you!?”

Clive responded with a mixture of whistles, echolocation clicks, pulsed calls, low-frequency pops, and jaw claps.

I turned to Markus and asked, “What the fuck did it say?!”

Markus had no idea. Confused and hungover, I pulled out a whiskey bottle from my pants and took a long, hard slug. Belching exuberantly, I decided to seize the moment. Successful businessmen like me take the big risks. That’s why I earn 454% more each year than my stupid elves.

YOU’RE HIRED!” I bellowed.

Clive went bananas, flapping about in the water, chomping its massive jaws, and started this massive wailing noise.

That was really annoying, so I fucked off back to the factory to continue drinking. I left Markus out there on the icy tundra to sort out Clive’s start date and contract of employment.

Clive the Orca’s First Day

After Clive served his one month notice to his orca clan, he was airlifted to the factory and placed into a giant tank of icy water.

By the time he turned up I’d totally forgotten I’d even hired a killer whale.

Seeing that massive bastard flying through mid-air towards the factory, with me being hungover, was enough to make me almost foul myself.

I sounded off the air raid sirens and demanded Rudolph get onto the factory roof to fire bazookas off at the thing. Thankfully, Mrs. Santa Claus was on hand to remind me of my recruitment strategy.

“Well reminded, woman!” I congratulated her. I want to pat her on the butt, but instead puked aggressively onto the floor because of my hangover.

Because of that I forgot to tell Rudolph to “Stand down!”, so the stupid bastard went onto the roof anyway. Luckily, he was out of it on heroin. My CCTV cameras recorded it and I watched the whole escapade later that day in the privacy of my quarters. Rudolph just went running onto the roof, didn’t stop running, and than ran off the roof.

He’s currently on Nurse Doreen’s ward with two fractured antlers and heroin withdrawal.

Anyway, after all that. I wanted to make a good first impression on Clive.

But first, Markus took the orca through the induction process. The orca was wheeled around the factory (well, the bits the enormous tank would fit into, anyway) and instructed on how he’d be integral to our Barbie doll push in 2022.

Markus reported later that Clive was most animated during the induction and would regularly blast water from his blowhole. Markus believes this gesture has significant meaning and could be translated as one of the following:

  • Yes
  • No
  • Maybe
  • What?
  • That’s not listed in my contract of employment
  • What are Barbie dolls?
  • Can I eat the Barbie dolls, please?
  • Clive want to consume you all! Bwahahahaha!

Markus was so satisfied with Clive’s enthusiasm, he set him to work straight away on the central Barbie doll production machine in factory unit one.

Quite out of it, I ambled down there that night while stark bollock naked and slugging from a bottle of tequila.

To my surprise, I entered the unit to find dozens of elves batting at the orca’s massive head with their red and green elf hats. The bells on the top of the hats were ringing like crazy. Clive was hanging half out of his tank, chewing merrily on the Barbie doll machine. The machine was frazzled and belching out plumes of black smoke.


Clive turned towards me sharply and emitted a piercing whistling noise, followed by much jaw clapping, before returning fully to his tank. Then he swam around in circles making these weird clicking noises.

I stormed over to Markus. While I stormed over, I lost my footing and went piling head first into a dustbin and knocked myself out.

Clive the Orca’s Second Day

I came to violently in Nurse Doreen’s medical ward and grabbed the needle and drip attached to my right arm. “BITCH!” I bellowed.

Nurse Doreen saw I was up and said, “Mr. Claus, you must rest. You have a concussion.”

I glared wildly around until I saw Rudolph slammed out on his stretcher, antlers covered in bandages. Nurse Doreen said, “He’s heavily sedated, he’ll be no bother.”

Bedridden, I demanded Nurse Doreen bring me a walkie talkie radio so I could be in direct contact with Markus all day about Clive the orca’s progress.

She turned up and handed me the radio.

I switched it on and immediately this ear-piercing shrieking noise blasted out of the thing, with the sounds of numerous elves screaming hysterically in the background. “WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!?” I bellowed.

Then static. Nothing. I fumed silently. My blood boiled. I had a violent coughing fit and gobbed on the floor. Nurse Doreen tutted and I have her the evils. That shut her up good enough!

Markus soon arrived at the infirmary with an update.

He was drenched in blood, with brain splatter, chunks of metallic debris, and black soot across his stupid face.

Sir! Sir!” He squeaked.

Turns out Clive had breached out of his tank and smashed through the Barbie doll machine and into it. There he had munched happily on the dolls while emitting a piercing wailing noise of enjoyment.

The elves had attempted to stop this overt display of destruction of private property, only to be munched on by this goddamn troublesome SOB!

Barbie dolls.


My machinery!

That bastard’s more trouble than he’s worth!” I bellowed. Long story short, Nurse Doreen gave me a shot of cortisone, I had a slug of whiskey, and I staggered off down to factory unit one. I continued drinking along the way, slugging from the bottle.

Smashing my way through the factory doors, I belched exuberantly and pointed dramatically at the orca.

Clive was busy clicking and clapping away as he munched on MY BARBIE DOLLS!

ORCA!” I bellowed.

Clive quietened down and stared at me.


The orca didn’t seem too bothered about this development and continued munching on the Barbie dolls.

Eventually, we got a helicopter out to attach it to Clive and airlift him back to the ocean. It all went disturbingly smoothly and without a hitch.

Staggering up to the factory roof, I saw the helicopter returning successfully. Clive back in the ocean… this was not right! To add some tumult to proceedings, I yanked out my bazooka (not a euphemism) and gunned the helicopter down!

It blew up into a massive fireball and careered violently into the ground, blowing up again as it did so, all to the sound of my maniacal laughter.

I looked around me to bellow something, but no one was around… “Very well!” I announced. And I promptly stripped off naked and went off to watch Free Willy.

One comment

  1. I’m glad Clive had a tasty meal of Barbie Dolls and machinery.
    I’m sure it’s a lot healthier and tastier than the waste humans have left in the oceans and seas. If Santa can ever find a creature who thrives on vomit and effuse, Santa will have his man!


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