Staring at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Peering

Staring at work laws

Staring at work is one of the most heinous crimes any employee can commit. As such, The Staring at Work Act 1974 legislates the nature of stare-based activities in any given working environment.

Whether your business is an ice cream shop, illegal drug ring, or SaaS agency with aimless products to hawk, you need to adhere to the Act.

You must take the Act as seriously as you take sneezing in the workplace. Failure to do so could result in court time and/or the death penalty. Read on for the full details.

Legislation On What Constitutes a Workplace Stare

Staring is defined by The Staring at Work Act 1974 as:

“The activity of gazing, eyes open, with a vacant expression on one’s face.”

This is a problem, as the Act clarifies, due to the following reasons:

“Staring can be misconstrued by the starer’s colleagues as:

a) An act of war.

b) Flirtatious activity.

c) The gradual deterioration of a surreptitious drug addict.

d) Someone vying for their role, wage package, and status.

All the above are undesirable and may result in the two employees engaging in a bare knuckle brawl. All due to the provocative nature of staring, which is why you should adopt the business maxim: Do Not Dare to Stare (DNDS).”

It’s good business practice to hold annual training sessions with all of your employees regarding this matter, which will reinforce the concept of DNDS into their thick, lower wage package skulls.

However, the issue is more complex than simply banning staring. You need to get brutal with your methodology. This is how to up the ante.

How to Crack Down on Employees Staring at Each Other

It’s good business practice for your business to make the distinction between mindless, unproductive staring and the eye contact required for day-to-day activities (such as endless, relentless, mind sapping meetings).

This is how to make such a distinction.

In your Anti-Staring at Work policy you’ll need to address it thus:

  • Eye contact: A glorious ode to the Big Beautiful Business World, eye contact facilitates all business success stories. Ever heard of a billionaire with no eyeballs? Exactly. They did it through HARD WORK and by making EYE CONTACT. Your business will fail dismally without employees doing this and you should stress any employees not making eye contact will receive disciplinary action.
  • Staring: The heinous, lecherous gaze of (probably) a geezer who wants to flirt with the babes in the marketing department instead of getting any work done. TIME TO FIRE HIS ASS!

Effective ways to male employees from staring at stuff is to:

  • Hire a professional eyeball jabber, who’ll jab an offending starer in the eye for wasting company time.
  • Provide male colleagues with virtual reality headsets, ensuring they no longer have anything to stare at (except VR stuff).
  • Engage in the metaverse and embrace a fully digital workplace, where digital employee sprites abound and tedious forms of previous-life communication are now irrelevant.

Another alternative is to fire the starer and get someone capable of good, pure, wholesome eye contact.

The Perils of Staring Into the Middle-Distance

There’s one final distinction to make in regard to staring at work.

Employees looking at a place neither near, nor far away, is one of the most complex aspects of all modern employment law.

The issue is so fraught with intricacies The Staring at Work Act 1974 alone was not enough to manage the issue. Alongside this there came The Staring Into the Middle-Distance at Work Act 1974. The latter Act states on page 35 of 140,135 in section 36 (b):

“The middle-distance is neither a place here nor there; it is within the realms of conscience and subconscious; it is otherworldly, yet set in reality.

Irrespective of your standing regarding this matter, you should still attempt to pulverise staring into the middle-distance from your workforce.

When employees are in that trancelike state, God knows what they are thinking. Can you imagine? Pete in accounts thinking about his dinner, Jane in PR ruminating over her hot date for the night, and Jeff the content manager wondering what why his pee smells funny after eating asparagus.

These aren’t things you want your employees thinking about during any given working day. Stamp out the middle-distance. You can do this by erecting walls everywhere, hiring dancers to parade around your premises blocking the middle-distance, and blasting foghorns every 35 seconds.”

Whilst the middle-distance is something to fear, as a business owner you should rely on it at key moments to assist your success. This includes when employees:

  • Ask for a pay rise.
  • Request holiday time.
  • Ask for a promotion.

In such testing moments, rely on the middle-distance to avert your gaze and immerse yourself into an individualistic world of otherness.

The employee will note this shamanic state of mind and realise they’re pathetic and inferior, thusly leaving you alone to stare, with immense free will, into the fabric of being. Once the employee quietly leaves the room, you can go out and buy your £300,000 supercar.

7 comments

  1. It’s high time to address the issue of staring at work. Thank you for your suggestions. I’m all for an eye-ball jabber, in fact I will volunteer ( free of charge that is) to fill that roll. Staring off into the distance also galls me so I will be happy to jab those suckers too.

    Liked by 1 person

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