Purple porridge. Purple porridge. Purple porridge. It’s just like NORMAL porridge! But it’s got a colour that’s intermediate between blue and red.

It’s the best porridge in the land! That is unless you don’t like purple. If you’ve got a problem with the colour, here’s a message from our CEO Pam:

“GET FUCKED!”

But if you do like it, then buy many, many bags of purple porridge to overdose on the food colouring we’re using in the product so it stands out in the ultra-competitive oat-based foodstuff market.

Purple Porridge: Slake Your Desire for Violet Oats

Purple porridge is just like any other type of porridge (or oatmeal, if you’re American). The big difference is its plum colouring.

Like an eggplant, but with oats all over it, the purply sludge can be served with:

• Yoghurt
• Honey
• Pumpkin seeds
• Mauve stuff

No, there’s no real need for it to have such a damson hue. It’s not embedded with rubies, in case you’re itching to take them off to a pawn shop to get loaded.

It’s just porridge.

And it’s purple.

Nothing more. Nothing less. Just loads and loads and loads of porridge mixed with violet food colourings. Seriously, one bowl of this stuff and your bowels will be emptying an indigo mass of putrescence for weeks to come.

Pam’s Full Range of Purple Foods

Due to the chronic excess of food colourings in the factory warehouse, Pam has had to branch out into other foodstuffs with a violet hue. They include:

• Soup
• Donuts
• Cheesecake
• Baguettes
• Cheese
• Fish fingers
• Pork pies
• Digestive biscuits (chocolate and traditional)
• Worcestershire sauce

You name it, it’s purple. And it’ll STAY purple for as long as we have 150 metric tonnes of excess food colouring out back.

Frequently Asked Questions

In this section, we answer common questions from customers regarding our magnificent products.

Why purple?

What do you mean, “Why purple”!? BECAUSE purple, that’s why, you jumped up bastards”

Can you get different shades of purple porridge?

It’s all purple, but sometimes the food colouring mix comes out in a dreamy violet or a dark indigo. Either way, it looks amazing and we’re delivering on our company goals and mission statement, so you can’t sue us. OKAY?!

Why does purple porridge give me such chronic bowel problems?

The dish is best consumed at the commencement of any day (i.e. breakfast), allowing your body to process the food colourings in a timely manner.

If you don’t do that and, for instance, eat the porridge at night as a snack. Well, then you’re in for a rough night of turbulence, we’re afraid. Don’t like it? Lump it!

Is this illegal? It feels illegal.

There’s nothing illegal about food colourings, don’t be so stupid. If you have a problem with our products, go and eat something that isn’t purple you sissy.