Spluttering at Work: Employment Laws on a Series of Short Noises

Spluttering at work is a serious problem

Spluttering in the workplace is a non-desirable for any organisation. It’s good business practice to stamp it out with considerable aggression.

Think about it—every splutter is time wasted on not earning your business money.

As such, we recommend you come down on offending employees like a tonne of bricks. Time is money and spluttering is NEITHER.

Employment Laws Regarding Workplace Spluttering

The Spluttering at Work Act 1974 legislates sputtering in the workplace. In section 27 (a) on page 345 it states:

“Make no mistake, a spluttering employee is a dithering employee. Amounted over a working year, spluttering can accommodate for at least 12 days worth of wasted productivity.

This crisis is often ignored, but it is every bit as real and threatening as employees stealing lunches at work or staff blowing their noses at work. It is something for employers to fear and you must act quickly to remove its pernicious affront from your working environment.”

But what is spluttering? And why is it such a horrifying contemplation? Simply put, a spluttering employee will:

  • Trip over their words.
  • Mumble conversational fillers.
  • Dither mindlessly.
  • Look momentarily confused (and potentially panicked).

In a worst case scenario, spluttering may even get some spittle residue over the individual the employee is spluttering to.

Such an outcome can be catastrophic for your organisation.

Imagine if your employee is talking to a customer or, God forbid, a stakeholder—the spittle lands on the person being spluttered to. There is a moment of calm before the storm whilst the individual comprehends what has just happened. But then the realisation hits and your business’ reputation is in tatters.

Businesses across the world fear spluttering with good reason. And it takes a steely nerve and immense intellectual powers to navigate through the consequences.

Spluttering Avoidance Tactics

To avoid spluttering at work, you can use various tactics:

  • Ask employees to speak less.
  • Train staff to talk without gobbing all over someone.
  • Use a face mask policy to contain the matter.
  • Issue full hazmat suits as a last resort.

Whilst the hazmat suit option is expensive and draconian, it’s nonetheless the only real way to control spluttering and its consequences.

Another alternative, however, is even more extreme.

Simply don’t have any employees. You could sack your entire workforce immediately to embrace this most holy of outcomes. It reduces the chance of spluttering and spittle to a bear minimum, with the only issue remaining your own mouth and the contents therein.

Sadly, this does place the onus on you to take accountability for your actions. We understand this is difficult for the average employer, so it’s best to maintain at least one lackey employee around to blame for all of your shortcomings.

Remote Working and Spluttering

Whilst many employers are horrified by the concept of remote working, as they don’t get to force their employees through mindless commuting in the name of their egotism, in this instance it makes sense.

If the very idea of spluttering in your workplace terrifies you to your very core, then it’s wise to adopt a working from home policy.

This way, you can keep your employees and just, like, shuffle them off into their disgusting hovels instead of getting their gross bodily functions all over your business premises.

Of course, and sadly, this means your layabout employees’ productivity will sink like the Titanic. Instead of working they’ll sit about:

  • Watching Netflix.
  • Picking their noses.
  • Playing computer games.
  • Not doing any work.

All the available evidence displays this isn’t the case and, in fact, remote working will boost your business’ productivity considerably. But just ignore those hard facts in favour of your control freak machinations.

You run a business. You have wealth. Therefore, you know best.

But it’s the choice between that or seeing your business empire crumble in the name of employees not being able to speak without spluttering.

Business life is often about compromises, so it’s good business practice to accommodate for whatever gets your idiotic staff members out of your face.


  1. I’m nauseated.
    I’m already wearing a hazmat suit, since the pandemic pointed out how sputum is everywhere. “They” did that as an argument to get us to wear masks. “They” were extremely successful in my case.
    I am nauseated!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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