Magpies at work are a bit like hippopotamuses at work. They’re animals and it’s not unusual to see them mingling amongst your human employees.

However, magpies are petty criminals who enjoy engaging in the the theft of shiny objects about your business premises.

It’s good business practice to ensure this petty theft ends. As such, read this guide for insights on magpies, the corvidae family of birds, and cheese.

Magpies at Work Laws Ensure Inner-Team Harmony

The Magpies at Work Act 1974 regulates this matter. In section 12 (b) on page three the Act states:

“Magpies can accumulate in your workforce and have little regard for employment laws. For example, they will not sign a contract of employment (nor will they even understand what one is). This means two things:

1) You can exploit them for slave labour.

2) Raspy chatter.

Do note, magpies have a propensity for petty theft. As such, remove all shiny objects from your business premises (including bald employees with shiny craniums) to avoid losing business essentials (such as effective bald employees).”

Magpies can be excellent employees. You can set them to work on tasks such as… eating insects and berries located within your workplace.

If you’re overrun with insects, these rasping, chattering winged wonders will have your working environment shipshape in no time.

Do note, magpies are pretty useless at other tasks. Such as:

• Management duties
• Human resources management
• Photocopying documents
• Making cups of tea
• Administration duties

If you attempt to request the magpie performs some of the above common workplace tasks, you may well have your eyes pecked out of your face.

Training Your Employees to Work With Magpies

Your employees, being pathetic and low achieving morons, will need training on how to deal with magpies in the workplace.

Unlike their other colleagues, magpies will not engage in conversation such as:

• What they thought about the match last night
• Who the fittest human male/human female is in the office
• Whether they want a brew or not
• Raging about someone stealing their lunch

Instead, magpies are more likely to be found hurtling about in the office rafters, rasping and chattering in alarming fashion.

Your human employees should attempt to make the birds feel welcome. To do this, encourage them to join in with the high-pitched shrieking. At lunch, you should let the magpies outside for a bit and order your employees to climb trees and hang about in the branches whilst chattering and rasping.

Such team bonding exercises will be tremendous for morale.

That’s unless the magpies fly into a frenzy and start attacking their human colleagues, which can lead to a toxic work environment. To avoid this outcome, you should also train your magpie members of staff to respect their human counterparts.

Training Magpies to Work With Human Colleagues

Magpies are highly intelligent birds with active social lives, although they’re prone to bursts of solitude. But you’ll still need to provide them with a crash course in how to deal with humans.

It’s good business practice to cover formal introductions to:

• Dress code (i.e. how to preen feathers appropriately)
• Guidance on workplace gossiping (or chattering, in the case of the birds)
• Why pecking at human faces with a beak will lead to disciplinary action and/or claims of harassment
• Casual topics of conversation with which to form good working relationships (i.e. beer, pies, the PlayStation 5, hot birds, hot blokes, Emmerdale Farm, rearing babies etc.)
• Conditional Formatting on Excel
• Constructing tables on Microsoft Word
• Using WhatsApp to backstab on colleagues
• How to use the workplace toilets without getting crap everywhere

Do note, male magpies will defend their nest vigorously between August and September.

As such, you may want to grant the male birds an extended period of leave during this period, otherwise they’ll attack anything in sight in a frenzied bout of flapping wings and pecking at human faces.

If your human employees are left a bloody pulp on the office floor, this is bad for productivity and can result in dips in profit margins.