Some employees may choose to wear high heels at work. This is an act of war and should not be tolerated. Ever.

It is every beat as heinous as blowing your nose at work or wearing novelty slippers at work. Both diabolical acts of insubordination punishable by instant dismissal.

In this crucial guide to high heel wearing in any working environment (be it office, construction site, or medical ward), pay heed to the correct practices to ensure these reprehensible footwear items are banished from your workplace.

Employment Laws and High Heels

The High Heels at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. The Act is a mere two-page document, but in its opening paragraph it states:

“Wearing high heels at work is a feeble attempt by female employees to appear taller than they really are. This is so they can try to stack up to their vastly superior male colleagues, whom are much smarter and better paid than they are. Do not concern yourself with such posturing. Instead, focus on your bottom line—you are a multi-millionaire business owner. Do not let some broad get in the way of that.”

There have been calls to modernise The High Heels at Work Act 1974 by woke mob liberals who claim it is “sexist”, providing another brutal blow to freedom of speech.

However, for now, the Act remains as it is.

Your stance on high heels should be draconian. Any human female wearing said footwear is simply attempting to manipulate you out of your self-made fortune.

The Horrors of High Heels in the Workplace

High heels are the most dangerous footwear item any employee can subject to an employer. The heel on the shoe can be lethal.

There are numerous case studies of high heels lacerating, severing, and decapitating individuals in working environments. In 1986, at a chippy in Bolton of Greater Manchester, a famous case involved the chip shop owner’s head being slashed off his body by a wayward high heel from his intern employee.

The intern employee is now serving a 135 year prison sentence, with the first chance of parole not until 2086.

Asides from the dangers these items pose, the high heel wearer can also use them to:

• Waste time (i.e. procrastinate and idle—see further below)
• Murder colleagues (as opposed to accidental deaths)
• Annoy people
• Show off
• Cause distractions (through the continuous clomping noise)

Indeed, such tumult harks to the famous quote from the billionaire business magnate, and ironically surnamed, Sir Trevor Heels:

“The only good high heel… is an obliterated high heel.”

Whilst the high heel industry pleads innocence on this matter and attempts to blame the “patriarchy”, do remember the average high heel wearer is simply attempt to screw you over out of your money.

This has been scientifically proven and is incontrovertible fact, in the same way any employer can confidently claim they are vastly superior to everyone around them due to their inflated wage package.

The Reduction of Ambling Speed Due to the Wearing of High Heels

High heels severely restrict the speed at which human females can ambulate from one area to the next.

Instead of maintaining a standard canter, the high heels wearer must perambulate with a hysterical gait (swaying from left to right, as if a trapeze act, in an attempt to maintain some semblance of balance).

This is bad for business productivity.

Additionally, it may be an intentional act by the aforementioned high heel wearing. An act of insubordination—to waste time by moving slowly from one area to the next (such as to an important business meeting) in order to shirk their working duties.

As a result, it’s good business practice to provide immediate pay cuts to any employee who arrives at work wearing high heels.

Do not tolerate their time wasting. You’ve got a £40 million superyacht you’re saving for, and an extension to your mansion, don’t let them rob your blind.

Establish Your Footwear Dress Code

To ensure no staff members turn up to work in high heels, put together your policy regarding footwear. This policy can be separate to your standard dress code.

You may want to call it something such as: Anti-High Heels Footwear Policy.

Really get the point across from the get-go. Especially for new starters. In fact, as the employer you should make a beeline for new employees on their first day. Greet them with a handshake to lower their guard, then lead them to one side and say:

“Okay, Gerald, let me make one thing clear. I’m the boss around here. You’re just a fucking accountant! I notice you’re wearing leather shoes today… but I know it’s not long before you’re turning up in high heels, wasting time, moving slowly, taking sick days due to friction blisters, CLAIMING SICK PAY ON MY WATCH! So, let me make it clear right now—don’t try any of that shit on! Otherwise you’ll be out of here faster than you can say, ‘I really like wearing high heels.’ Is that understood!?”

Gerald may be 55, short, overweight, and balding, but it doesn’t mean he won’t become the high heels menace of your business. Put him in his place.