Human males often gawp in wonder at the human female capacity to grow hair to vast lengths. As a geezer (unless you’re Jim Morrison) your hair is unlikely to go beyond your earlobes. And then male pattern balding happens hits at 30.

As such, the human male has an intense fascination with the long, flowing, golden locks of “dames” of the world.

This leads to hair twizzling and playing. Whilst intended to be affectionate, typically it makes women want to punch their geezer in the face. Is that the right course of action to take!? Only time will tell!

When a Man Plays With a Woman’s Hair and it’s Super Annoying

Dear agony aunt. I'm Melanie and I'm 33 years old. My boyfriend of many years, Henry, is kind of all right. He's letting himself go a bit, no longer bench-pressing and instead sitting playing Call of Duty at home while eating fish and chips. He does all the time.

This is making him lethargic at night and he often just gets in bed and lies there while wheezing heavily and burping. Sometimes I get in bed to lie with him and we watch TV. That's when all the problems started...

He twizzles my hair in his fingers.

I asked him why he does this and he said, "Because I like it, babe, and I know you like it and because your hair smells like dawn in spring when the sun has yet to come out and the ethereal raindrops still dew the leaves to make me think of the beauty that is you, babe."

He's trying to sound romantic and I just want to throttle him by the throat when he talks like that. Who does he think he is, Ed Sheeran? I told him to stop making creepy comments like that and to tone down the hair playing.

The creepy comments have stopped. The hair playing continues unabated. It's not just been contained to the bedroom either, he started playing with my hair at random occasions:

- In the car
- At restaurants
- When I'm sitting on the sofa
- When I'm reading quietly and want to be LEFT ALONE!!!

Enough was enough and the matter came to a head when he was messing with my hair while we were in KFC. I lost my temper, turned, and punched him aggressively in his testicles!

He went down like a tonne of bricks and I could then continue eating my Zinger chicken burger in peace. While I slurped from my fizzy drink, he lay groaning on the floor in agony. I laughed a quiet laugh of victory.

That was until later when he reported me to the police for assault, which is backed up by CCTV footage and many witnesses seeing me do this.

I can't believe his hair twizzling antics have led to this! I'm calling BS here. This is sexism, right? I need to raise a case with the International Court of Appeal to clear my name! Right? Yours, Melanie

Hi there, Melanie. As tempting as it surely is, violently punching men (either in the face, chest, or nether regions) is never the answer to any relationship strife.

Unfortunately, if you assaulted him then it is assault.

What you can do in revenge is shave all your head hair off. With no hair, there shall be no hair twizzling. Not too shabby a concept when you think about it, eh?

The other solution is just to glue those Turkey Twizzlers (by Bernard Matthews brand) into your hair, thusly conniving your man bloke into thinking he’s playing with your hair. When he’s actually just messing around with a mass of heavily processed goop.

And speaking of heavily processed goop, your man bloke’s “brain” will accept that reality for a reality. And all will be well! Problem solved, Melanie.