Every now and then, despite your best efforts as an employer, you’ll hire a sarcastic bellend of an employee.

Dealing with a derisory dickhead day in, day out can drain the morale in any office and lead to mass walkouts, outbreaks of disease, and/or low numbers at the office Christmas party.

If you want to avoid such issues then you should refer to this guide and establish a workplace free from even the slightest hint of irreverence.

Laws Regarding Sarcastic Employees and Glib Remarks at Work

Sarcasm is a form of verbal irony that mocks, ridicules, or expresses contempt. A sarcastic employee will often rely on:

• Exaggeration
• Incongruity
• Understatement
• Tone of voice
• Facial expressions

The above, combined with the snarky comments they deliver, will make you want to punch them in the face (see The Punching Colleagues in the Face Act 1974).

The Sarcasm at Work Act 1974 regulates this matter. In section 331 (g) on page 45,212 the Act states:

“Sarcasm at work is a potentially lethal problem as it can confuse colleagues, lower morale, and create an overbearing working atmosphere of unsustainable sass.

Therefore, it is your duty of care as an employer to ensure you minimise the use of verbal irony and ridicule, completed in casually caustic fashion, towards one employee to the next.

Therefore, it is wise to instigate a policy in your company handbook to limit the use of sarcasm and sass in your working environment.

Therefore, you should refer to your legal department to ensure the matter is dealt with in a timely fashion.

Therefore, you will need to hire a legal department to deal with the matter.”

If sarcasm gets well and truly out of control between colleagues, it’ll get you using pompous adverbs like “therefore” to try and control it.

That’s bad news for everyone.

As you’ve already got enough on your plate. Sarcasm in the workplace is such an extreme issue you’ll need to (in all probability) hire an entire legal team to deal with the consequences.

Hiring that lot can be extremely expensive, so ensure you underpay all of your employees enormously so you can:

1. Still give yourself a massive bonus at the end of the year.
2. Fund your legal department.

The downside to these steps is your low wages are likely to fuel the overall sarcasm in your workplace.

This is the vicious circle of business life and one you must heroically shoulder as a business owner (i.e. saviour of the economy).

Examples of Sarcastic Comments at Work

How do you spot sarcasm? It can be tricky, but as an employer you can use your vastly superior intellect and psychoanalytical skills to decode an employee’s conduct.

To note, if they use comments such as the following they’re likely being sarcastic:

• “I’m SO GLAD I have so much free time to get all this work done!”
• “I LOVE IT when my boss gives me more work right before I’m about to leave for the day!”
• “This is the MOST FUN I’ve ever had at work!”
• “I’m so productive today, I’m going to get ahead of schedule and start working on next week’s projects!“
• “I’m so organised! I have EVERYTHING under control!”
• “That’s the SMARTEST thing I’ve ever heard!”
• “I’m so glad you’re here to help me with this! I wouldn’t be able to do it without you!“
• “This is the… BEST DAY EVER!“
• “You’re SO GOOD at that! I just LOVE being a part of this team!”
• “No, OF COURSE I wouldn’t think about pulling a sickie! I love working here!”

As you can discern, such statements have elements of petulance, insubordination, and just generally being a bit of a prick.

To stop such obnoxious statements ever leaving the mouths of your wastrel employees, you’ll need to get combative. And in good old business world fashion, that means you’ll need to flash some more cash.

Recruitment Requirements for Sarcastic Employee Management

As expensive as it will be, to complement your legal team you’ll need to also purchase and/or hire:

• CCTV cameras (many of them) with full audio recording capacity.
• Armed guards.
• A team of Sarcasm Specialists.
• Guard dogs (at least a dozen of them).
  • Plus, budget to fund dog walkers to take them for walkies.
• SaaS training software to help staff deal with their sass.

The combination of the above will set your business back at least £500,000 to fund the software, wages, recruitment costs, and for doggy food for your snarling, vicious, aggressive guard dogs (who’ll also need regular walkies, petting, and tasty snacks).

But once you have this Anti-Sarcasm Enforcement Policy (ASEP) in place you’ll be able to immediately crack down on all sarcasm.

Your team of specialists will deal with the following issues thus:

• Sarcastic comments: Savaging by one or more of the voracious guard dogs, followed by a trip to the on-site first aid kit for at least one plaster.
• Eye rolling: Psychoanalysis from a Sarcasm Specialist with detailed cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to promote a total reversal of longstanding personality traits so the individual is more robotic in their working patterns.
• General sass: A telling off from one of the armed guards.
• Finger wagging: Instant death by gunshot from one of the armed guards.
• Tapping of temples: See above.
• Sarcastic slow claps: The entire team of armed guards and dogs will mercilessly batter and savage any individual who dares to slow clap (even once).

Maintaining the above policy will be expensive and time-consuming, but it is the only way to rid your workplace of sarcasm, sass, and scorn, girlfriend.