Some employees eat at their desks. This is disgusting and immoral. However, some employees take things a step further—they eat during meetings.

This is a wonderful thing and such events are now known as eatings.

It’s a chance for colleagues to get together, discuss work, stuff their faces, talk with their mouths full, and spray their peers with flecks of food. Read on to bring such delights into your working environment.

Employment Laws Regarding Eating During Meetings

Eating during meetings was regulated by The Eating During Meetings at Work Act 1974. The Act viewed the action with the utmost draconian measures, stating on page one of its 35,012 page report in section 41 (v):

“Do not tolerate eating during meetings. Any employees doing so must have their employment rights docked for a month, such as the capacity to wear flares or winkle picker shoes into the office. Such punishment will be mortifying for any employee and will ensure they behave themselves in future.”

However, due to the change in public opinion eating during meetings is now viewed as a wonderful social activity.

One so joyous, in fact, some employees are known to collapse in sheer delight (although sometimes this is down to a seizure due to excessive salt intake through the overconsumption of pizza).

As such, a new law came to pass. This is The Eating During Meetings (Homogenised) Act 2021. Its use across employment law encourages employers like yourself to allow employees eat food during meetings. Foodstuffs such as:

• Pizza
• Sushi
• Stodge heavy Pot Noodle sandwiches
• Noodles
• Full English breakfasts
• Roast dinners
• Blocks of cheese
• Curry
• Kebab
• Fish & chips with gravy
• Haggis
• Soup
• Seafood platter

Whilst employees discuss projects and your higher management lackeys remonstrate with them over profit margins, rejoice at the site of these gluttonous plebs stuffing food into their lower paid faces and getting crumbs and food splatter over their clothing.

Be proud of their productivity. As employees on an empty stomach merely starve to death and you have to replace them.

Morbidly obese ones, however, will gravitate towards your business due to the abundance of eating opportunities.

Embracing Eating During Meetings: “Eatings”

Eating during meetings has coined a new term—eatings.

Employees now look forward to these enormously, having once dreaded the very possibility of having to sit in a boardroom listening to some egomaniac rant for hours on end.

The Eating During Meetings (Homogenised) Act 2021 states on page 541 of 132,131 section 43 (f):

“Employees want to eat during meetings because, in harsh reality, employees utterly detest meetings. However, with the promise of masses of food to consume they’ll readily attend any meeting you so wish. Even ones where it’s just for you, the employer, boasting about how fabulously wealthy you are compared to your pathetic underlings whom should be grateful for the dismal wages you fling in their direction. Your staff won’t mind hearing this when they’re stuffing ham and pineapple pizza into their stupid faces. Free food is mana from heaven for these workshy plebs.”

Due to the nature of eatings, it does mean a lot of food prep time is required prior to any given meeting. Particularly if you’re hellbent on providing a full spread of freshly cooked foodstuffs for your employees.

If this is the route you wish to take you’ll need to:

• Fund and build an on-site kitchen.
• Employ kitchen stuff.
• Hire waiting staff.
• Hire dishwashers (pot scrubbers).

With these installed at considerable expense, your employs will look forward to impressive banquets at even the briefest of meetings (such as a first verbal warning to an employee for badmouthing Janet from accounts).

If the above all seems a little excessive then you may wish to turn to getting constant takeaways. Or hitting a cheap local supermarket to load up on bargain bin readymeals.

Granted, sitting over a 50p no frills cottage pie isn’t going to thrill an in-meeting employee as much as a freshly boiled pot of moules et frites.

But beggars can’t be choosers in working life.

You’re paying for the stuff, so the employee will sit there and bloody well enjoy their cheap cottage pie with mysterious chunks of plastic lodged in it (to which you can, with total conviction, reassure them it must be part of their special recipe).