Oh hello there, online dating enthusiast! Are you a man bloke on the hunt for an attractive human female to become thine spouse?

Online dating apps be the way forward, including Yarr! (for pirates) and SLAP! (for slap-based dating).

However, some human males struggle with finding matches online. Is it the CURSE of feminism striking you out of society once and for all?! Or is there another issue afoot? Let’s explore this most pressing of societal matters.

Men and Dating Apps: A Match Made in HELL

Bloody hell! Why are women ALWAYS so IGNORANT on dating apps!? I’ve tried all the apps recently after my wife of 10 years swooped off with another fella (because I “cheated on her” as she put it… how was I supposed to know she’d find out?!).

Well I went on these apps and spotted a bunch of fine fillies I desired to ask out for a date. I compiled some EXCELLENT messages to send them. Really thoughtful and well worded, complimenting them on how bloomin’ gorgeous they were and how they should ditch other guys for a REAL man like me!

No responses.

NOT ONE.

What… what the hell!? I put the TIME and ENERGY into messaging these dames and they don’t have the COMMON DECENCY to compose a message in response!? I find this quite preposterous! What’s wrong with these women? Are they trollops!?

Then I spoke with my mates and they all said the same thing! Dave told me, “Yeah, it’s rare you get matches because they’re PRINCESSES and think they can just wait until BRAD PITT comes along. It’s all because of leftism and feminism.”

Dave is right! It IS because of leftism and feminism.

Thanks to “EQUALITY” I now can’t get a bloomin’ date! This is just DISGUSTING and everything wrong with the world. I’m so outraged I’m going to go on the next available far-right march to make MY point heard as freedom of speech is under attack here because women are being judicious in their dating lives.

It was much better in the good old days! You’d ask a woman out and she’d KNOW you were vastly superior as a human specimen and just agree to go out with you on the spot. You’d be married within 30 days.

Now?! They expect MONTHS of dating until they even decide to SLEEP with you! This is POLITICAL CORRECTNESS gone MAD! Cheers fella, Jimmy

Hi there, Jimmy. You shouldn’t take it (rejection) personally. It’s a fact there are more men on these apps than women and a human female is often swarmed by 500+ male suitors within 30 minutes of joining an app.

When you message them, you can guarantee 300+ other rampant human males have messaged them, too.

By the laws of diminished sideburns, this means your profile is simply lost amongst a mass of fellow geezers gurning away in a selfie.

It’s either that or you’re just horribly ugly and repulse women the moment they clap eyes on you.

The solution to THAT is to use some of Brad Pitt’s photos on your dating profile to lure women in. Then when you eventually meet up on a date you can drop the big reveal!

You aren’t Brad Pitt.

They can then either storm off in a huff or… you can offer to pay for their drinks and meal so they hang around and get to know the real you.

And by “real” we mean a weirdo creep who plays nothing but Call of Duty and FIFA games whilst whining incessantly about gender pronouns.  Best of luck out there, Jimmy!