Employers like yourself should be made aware that employees frothing at the mouth highlights a problem with the, aforementioned, employee.

Your members of staff shouldn’t, at any stage in their time with your business, be frothing at the mouth. It can be a sign of mania, rabies, or religious fervour.

In this guide, we explore how to stop your workforce from exhibiting such crazed symptoms in pursuit of greater productivity (and profits for yourself and no one else).

Frothing at the Mouth Employment Laws

This matter is regulated by The Frothing at the Mouth as Work Act 1674.

The Act had to be updated in 1975 due to the typo in the date, which led to it becoming The Frothing at the Mouth as Work Act 1975, even though it was written in 1974 and all internal references of year refer to said year.

This led to much confusion—a state of affairs that lingers to this day.

However, for all intents and purposes, it’s The Frothing at the Mouth as Work Act 1974. It’s just not really, it’s 1975 due to the, aforementioned, issues.

What the Act is clear about, though, is its legal stance on frothing at the mouth during working hours. On page 45 of 34,152 in section 72 (g) it states:

“As an employer, you only need to have extreme concern if the employee(s):

a) Arrives to work frothing at the mouth.

b) Spontaneously begins frothing at the mouth during working hours.

c) Begins frothing at the mouth shortly prior to leaving.

As this is during working hours, your profit margins may be affected. As such, it is a matter of grave concern for your business.

If the employee froths at the mouth outside of working hours, you do not need to worry about the matter. That is, unless, they arrive to work still undergoing their manic episode.”

In most instances, you’ll need to refer to William Friedkin’s The Exorcist (1973) for assistance with what lies ahead.

Whilst frothing at the mouth can be attributed to rabies, a cheese overdose, or emerging from a bubble bath with an unfortunate array of foam, in 99% of instances it’s due to interference from Satan.

As annoying as that is, you’ll have to take steps to deal with Him.

Performing an Exorcism at Work

An exorcism can be costly, hence the need to ensure your employees don’t start frothing at the mouth.

However, if needs must then hire the priest.

He/she (yes, we’re really at that point in society now thanks to THE WOKE MOB!) will arrive in due course and perform the exorcism, which will take a couple of hours.

The process will leave a lot of green vomit and slobber all over the place, so you’ll need to inform your janitor of an urgent task once the exorcism is complete.

How to Stop Employees Frothing at the Mouth at Work

Muzzles. You need to treat your employees like the rabid dogs that they are!

If they can’t control themselves out in the wider world, if they end up getting themselves possessed due to their inferior intellectual capacity than you (the rich boss business owner), then they need to be restrained!

It’s like that big in The Madness of King George (1994). Poor old King George has gone mad, so there’s nothing left to do except strap him to a seat until he’s no longer mad. Simples.

This is the same for your employees. Even at the slightest hint of spittle around their lips, it’s your duty of care as an employer to seize the offending employee and:

• Affix a muzzle to their mug.
• Wrap them in a straitjacket.
• Strap them into a punishment chair.

The individual will remain strapped to the seat until the priest arrives and performs the exorcism. To keep them entertained until the religious one arrives, play a DVD copy of Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977) because it’s awful and this is suitable punishment for the evil one.

The above is the best step to take in the event of a frothing.

However, you should also train your employees with regards to avoiding possession in the first place. Provide professional development that encourages them to:

• Stay at home more often and avoid interacting with other people.
  • The best bet for them is to sit in their living room at weekends, for example, with the television off whilst facing a blank wall.
• Don’t get married.
• Don’t have kids.
• Don’t spend their money on anything except food, water, and bog roll.
• Repent daily.
• Start attending church on Sundays.

In general, they need to live the life of a puritan. It’s the only way to ensure they remain productive enough to make you rich, otherwise you may have to pass on your annual bonus and that £40 million superyacht you’ve got your eye on.

And that would be truly appalling for you.

Thus, the message is clear. NO FUN OUTSIDE OF WORK! As working at your business should be enough fun. To drill the message into your staff, hang Hieronymus Bosch’s The Garden of Earthly Delights into an omnipresent location in your building.

That’ll stop the buggers from doing anything stupid (i.e. sinning) outside (or inside of) work.