The Giraffe Gym is a gym for giraffes (and humans).

While this may seem discriminatory against other animals, such as hamsters and sharks, if they’ve got a problem with it they can build their own species-specific gym.

As at The Giraffe Gym, the yellow long-necked monsters can relax, unwind, hang out, and exercise with their kind as nature intended. And you’ve never seen nature so pure and wild as a giraffe on a treadmill working up a sweat.

The Gym for Giraffes: A Workout Space of Unusually Tall Things

The purpose of this gym is to prioritise the unique needs and preferences of these majestic creatures. All without endangering the human local population.

For example, such as if the giraffes decide to panic insanely and mass stampede through the neighbourhood, mercilessly trampling all before them in a hellish inferno of hoofs and strange braying noises.

However, humans are also welcome in the gym and must mingle in harmony with massive giraffe gym goers as part of a universal bonding experience.

Please note, failure to bond harmoniously will result in hellish punishments.

About Our Very High Ceilings

As giraffes can reach a height of 18 feet, our gym is custom built to accommodate for these massive monsters.

Our ceilings are very high indeed! This is to ensure giraffes entering the gym don’t knock themselves out and sue us for concussion-based charges.

For human patrons, this does make the gym appear unfeasibly enormous. As if just walking around will be a workout in itself. This is because that’s the case (if you want more of this, check out Gobby Gary’s Gigantic Gymnasium).

About Our Very High Gym Equipment

Our specialist gym equipment is bloody enormous! That ensures gym-goers have the room to manoeuvre in comfort, luxury, and giraffe-based splendour.

Whether pumping iron, flexing muscles, ripping their top off to pose for self-absorbed selfies, giraffes can do it all at The Giraffe Gym!

As for human patrons… you probably won’t be able to use 99% of the gym equipment here, not unless you’re freakishly tall, but don’t let that stop your posing, posturing, and flirting (with giraffes, if you so wish, but they’ll probably just smash you into a crash mat if you dare).

The Giraffe Gym’s Borderline Insane Health & Safety Policy

Due to the potential for gym-based carnage and mayhem, alongside other potential hazards associated with giraffes utilising gym facilities, we hereby issue the following draconian health & safety statement designed to be as obnoxious and tedious to read as possible.

• Neck Extension Zone: Exercise (pun intended) EXTREME caution within designated Neck Extension Zones. Giraffes, being notorious for their elongated necks and ambulating mannerisms, pose a significant risk of inadvertently knocking over nearby objects or causing structural damage during gym routines.
• Hoof Traffic Control: Be very bloody careful indeed when navigating gym corridors. This is because giraffes may roam freely along these corridors and they’re bloody massive things and may trample you. As such, Hoof Traffic Control measures are imposed to minimise the risk of wanton death and destruction. This is a gym, not a war zone!
• Heightened Ceiling Awareness: We advise all giraffes to be self-aware enough to understand they are, indeed, giraffes and, therefore, should allow for some accommodation when moving about the place.
• Foliage Frenzy Precautions: Giraffes have an almost uncontrollable appetite for foliage, including indoor plants and decorative greenery. To prevent foliage frenzy-induced chaos, all greenery within the gym premises will be secured behind reinforced barriers, armed guards, and 24/7 CCTV.
• Tail Swatting Protocol: Exercise caution when in close proximity to giraffes engaged in tail swatting exercises. The considerable length and force of their tails will result in instant decapitation for humans.
• Vocalisation Disruption Measures: Giraffes will regularly indulge in low-frequency grunts and high-pitched bleats. Noise-cancelling headphones are strongly recommended to mitigate potential disturbances to gym-goers’ concentration and auditory well-being.
• Strict Giraffe Identification Protocols: Due to the inherent risk of mistaken identity, all gym patrons must undergo rigorous giraffe identification protocols upon entry. Failure to comply may result in expulsion from the premises, involuntary enrolment in giraffe-themed aerobics classes, and death by boiling alive in the car park out back (although the latter is more to induce terror than anything else).

Failure to adhere to these draconian health & safety measures WILL result in dire consequences, including but not limited to, the imposition of mandatory giraffe awareness seminars for ALL members of the local community.

On pain of being boiled alive in a great big pot!

Thank you for your cooperation in maintaining our berserk health & safety policies and harmonious coexistence with our giraffe clientele.