You know it’s, erm, a bit of a thing of ours how we find overuse of conversational fillers, like, you know, annoying. And that’s why we’ve written a short story about it. Like, um, enjoy it or, you know, something.

The Day Conversational Fillers Battled it Out to Determine, Like, Who’s the Best

Synopsis: You Know, the conversational filler, gets very jealous of Erm and challenges it to a fight.

Cast of characters:

• You know
• Erm
• Like
• Um
• Er
• Ah
• So

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You Know had beefed up for the big fight, pumping iron all day every day and all because he wanted to beat the you know what out of Erm. Bitter rivals over the course of their conversational filler career, it was the increasing popularity of “erm…” usage that made You Know snap. Why were people using Erm more than “you know”?! It didn’t make sense! You Know was the perfect conversational filler!

Thus, it was at the annual Conversational Filler Awards 2023, when Erm won Conversational Filler of the Year, that You Know snapped. In a fury, You Know rushed onto the stage as Erm gave its acceptance speech and punched the conversational filler in the face.

Erm hit the floor. A gasp went up from the assembled fillers (including such luminaries as Like, Um, Er, Um, Ah, and So) all dressed up for the big awards night.

You Know was condemned around the world for its violent outburst. Undeterred, and very angry, it put out a statement on its Fillerbook social media account:

“I don’t, you know, apologise for the incident. You know, I’m getting sick to death of Erm hogging the limelight and, you know, think the awards ceremony was, you know, like, RIGGED! There, I said it. I’m not, you know, retracting that statement. As such, I challenge Erm in, you know, the most self-righteous fashion to a boxing duel to determine who is the GENUINE best conversational filler in the, you know, world.

Yours,

You Know

Erm initially rejected the request as “childish”. You Know promptly goaded Erm with a series of Fillerbook videos, accusing the filler of being a chicken, including a filler-based demonstration of chicken noises.

“Buck, buck, buck, you know, buck 🐔🐔🐔🐔🐔🐔!!!!!”

This did the trick and Erm was triggered! The filler posted ITS OWN furious rebuttal on Fillerbook in a manner some would suggest Erm had become a bit too angry for its own good.

“Erm, due to the ongoing attacks on my filler-based, erm, conduct I am left WITH NO, erm, ALTERNATIVE than to accept this, erm, duel and punch You Know in the, erm, You section of its You Know.

I AM NOT AN, erm, CHICKEN!

Erm, I really I must make that, erm, clear. You Know has no right to, erm, make such impudent, erm, statements about his fellow fillers. I could, erm, challenge him with a legal statement. Instead, erm, I’m going to PUNCH YOU KNOW’S LIGHTS OUT!”

Subseqeuntly, the two fillers began a several week long training routine during which time Eye of the Tiger by Survivor was played 1,345 times.

The conversational filler community was split by infinitives during this time, uncertain whether to side with Erm or You Know. The latter took to goading Erm further with a smear campaign against the filler accusing it of being:

• A demented psychopath.
• Unfit for purpose.
• A “sad act”.
• Inferior to Er.

To its credit, Er refused to get drawn into taking sides. It stated on an Instafiller post:

“Er, I’m not wanting to, er, take sides with Erm or You Know. I think, er, that You Know is being a bit unreasonable with its, er, put downs. But, er, I say may the best conversational filler win!”

You Know responded by calling Er a “reject of society” and also challenging the conversational filler to a fight. Er turned down the offer, sighting a sprained “r” during a particularly long conversation as the reason.

As the days ticked by, the event drew nearer and organises spent £135,000 promoting the boxing match. Which was to be held in Bolton of Greater Manchester, live streamed to the world, and promoted with £45,000 worth of marketing expenses.

You Know vs Erm: The Boxing Match of the Century

The match was nothing to write home about. You Know and Erm took to the ring with much fanfare. The excitement was palpable. Thousands were in attendance! However, once the bell rang out Erm sprung forward, lamped You Know in its You, and down went the conversational filler.

That was it. Erm had won and was undisputed Champion of the Conversational Filler World.

All the conversational fillers then moved on with their lives and continued peppering people’s conversations with repetitive words to ensure they maintained their place in a conversation and/or blocked any interruptions.

However, You Know didn’t forget its defeat. It harboured resentment. It bought a pet chicken and taught it to peck at people’s eyeballs. You Know grew a big unkempt beard, was moody, began to drink heavily, and shirked its conversational filler responsibilities. It became unreliable at its job, leading to people relying on the dreaded adverb “actually” in its place, but then You Know found out about this and wanted another fight with a filler. However, instead of a properly organised event You Know just went round to Actually’s bungalow and punched it in the Y.

You Know is currently awaiting trail for assault charges.

The moral of the story? Use conversational fillers wisely! Otherwise they get belligerent and you’ll have to resort to adverbs.